


blinding lights

by psc07



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 28,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27766996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psc07/pseuds/psc07
Summary: The hole in my chest burned and I took a deep breath. Angela was looking at me worriedly, and Jessica with a mild interest. Mike, I could tell even without looking, was glaring at Edward.Edward apparently was back at Forks, and instead of looking for me, he had just showed up at school.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	1. the comeback

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS:
> 
> Firstly, as usual: thank you for choosing my story to read! It means a lot to me!
> 
> English is not my first language, so when you see a mistake, please consider this. I've written as best as I could.
> 
> This story will be a three-chaptered short-fic, and it's an alternative reality fanfiction: if Jacob had reached Bella before she had jumped from the cliff, Alice wouldn't have seen her jumping and wouldn't have come back to Forks - only here Edward comes back anyways.
> 
> I'm posting this first chapter but I can't say when I will uptade. Hopefully soon.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it and leave comments! Happy reading!

_ Wait, _ I wanted to say.  _ Just a minute _ . But I was still locked in place, listening to the echo of  _ his _ voice in my head. “ _ Be happy _ ,” it had said.

As if he could hear me, Jacob didn’t open the door right away. His hesitation gave  _ me _ the moment to unfreeze, and slowly, carefully, I turned my head to him.

I heard him whisper my name, and I tried to ignore that the lips touching mine were hot instead of cold, that there were no precautions for my physical safety, that the hands holding my face were calloused and not smooth marble.

I wasn’t very successful, but I was able to feel just a tiny bit that it was Jacob. And his smile when we broke apart was worth almost any pain.

Almost.

“Jake…” I was ready to tell him I was broken, that I’d need some time to be normal again. To tell him that I no longer had a heart, but that I could –  _ would _ – try for him, my own Sun. But before I could say anything else, Charlie arrived. “We’ll talk later, ok? After the… funeral and arrangements. I need to be with Charlie, and you need to be with Billy.”

Jake nodded, saying, “good thing you didn’t jump then,” and pecked my lips once, very quickly so Charlie wouldn’t see it, and finally opened the door. He took me home and only left when I was inside. I wasn’t sure if he would go back home or turn again on the giant wolf and come back here.

In all reality I only hadn’t jumped from that cliff because he had found me the second I parked my truck – Edward’s voice on my head had been deliciously furious, ordering me to step back and then even  _ pleading _ . It had been so easy to pretend he still cared, even if now it hurt too much.

At first Jacob had berated me – the weather was too bad for cliff jumping with him, even worse alone – but then he told me they had lost Victoria when she had jumped on the ocean. And when we got inside the truck, he told me about Harry.

“I’m so sorry, Dad,” I told Charlie as soon as I saw him. I could see he had been crying. I offered him a tight hug and felt his sadness through his arms.

“It’s gonna be hard for a while, Bells,” he told me, sniffing. “I gotta help Sue dealing with the hard stuff. Her two kids… I just… will you be okay?”

“Of course, Dad, don’t worry about me. Want some help?” I asked. He shook his head.

“No, no. Thank you, honey. If you don’t want to stay alone maybe you could go and stay with Jacob?”

My stomach turned a bit at the thought, but I just nodded. I knew we had to talk, and I needed to be near him, but I wasn’t really sure what I was going to say. I had to tell him everything – this much I knew. But how to explain the giant hole in my chest? How to tell him all of what I still felt for Edward and  _ not _ make him go away?

I cooked some pasta for Charlie and called him when it was ready. We ate in silence and he only spoke to tell me he’d give me a ride to La Push in the morning if I wanted. He was going over to Sue to help her.

The next three days passed in a blur. As Victoria was still on the loose, the wolves were on high alert. The only time there weren't at least two wolves in the woods was at Harry’s funeral, and we could see that Sam wasn’t entirely comfortable. But Harry held a position on the tribe so high that all of them were there. 

This meant that I hadn’t had time to talk with Jacob alone. Of course we kept close – he held my hand as he had before, but we didn’t kiss again. I used this time to try and think on the words I would use, even if I was absolutely sure I’d simply say what was on my mind at the time and try very hard not to cry. The night I actually got to do the talking would be one of the most difficult – to visit  _ everything _ again would leave another mark for sure.

When I was leaving La Push with Charlie on the Sunday before spring break was over, I finally got a minute alone with Jacob.

“Listen, I know we need to talk,” I told him, “and believe me, it won’t be easy, and it won’t be quick, so do you know when you’ll take a break?”

“Tomorrow afternoon. Sam’s been saying I need some rest,” Jacob replied rolling his eyes to show just what he thought of resting. “Can you come over after school?”

“Sure,” I nodded, and hesitated, “you know I’m broken, right?” I whispered. He smiled.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

Just then Charlie’s cruise appeared and he honked. I hugged Jacob quickly but tightly, and ran to Charlie. As usual, I forced myself to ignore the road on the way to Forks. We were home before I knew it. As we had eaten pizza at Billy’s, Charlie went straight to bed. I revised some school work and went to sleep a bit earlier so I would be rested the next day.

I left home the same time as Charlie, and when I arrived, the parking lot was almost empty. I decided to head to class and do something about algebra. The lesson did help me a bit when it eventually started, and I thought I might be able to do some of the exercise when I tried.

Maybe on my zombie phase before Jacob I wouldn’t have noticed it, but being more sentient to my outside made me feel like something had happened. Like my first day here the previous year, I could sense people were talking about me on the hallways between classes. I just didn’t know why, and honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to care.

I probably would’ve been none the wiser had I not, while carrying my food tray to sit near Angela and Mike, looked at the table where  _ they _ had sat, hoping it would bring me inspiration for my talk with Jacob, and almost dropped the tray.

It wasn’t empty now.

My hallucinations hadn’t done him any justice. When I looked at him (Edward Cullen was sitting at the same table he had almost a year ago!) he stared right back, his face in the same frown it always wore when he tried to understand what was going on in my mind.

Like when we first saw each other from afar, he didn’t smile at me.

I looked away from him and back to the table I was currently sitting. All of them were looking at me, as if waiting for my reaction.

Ah.  _ That _ ’ _ s _ what people were talking about. The cause of my zombie days were back, and people wanted to know how “Barmy Bella” would react. Lauren’s smirk told me I’d reacted just like she thought I would. I didn’t know what I looked like – my face was too numb to school it onto something reasonable. 

The hole in my chest burned and I took a deep breath. Angela was looking at me worriedly, and Jessica with a mild interest. Mike, I could tell even without looking, was glaring at Edward. 

Edward apparently was back at Forks, and instead of looking for me, he had just showed up at school.

“I…” I tried to give an excuse, but in order to not cry, I had to shut up. Forgetting my lunch (I wouldn’t be able to eat anyway), I stood and left as quickly as my feet and the mass of students allowed me.

I knew I was hyperventilating even before I even got to the restroom. 

Edward was here. He was back, but not back for me. He’d come back to Forks, and I’d need to deal with it. To see him every day at school and know I couldn’t be with him. 

The tears were falling freely now, and for more I tried to be quiet in my stall, I knew if someone entered the restroom I’d be heard. I tried to summon all of the practice I’d had with Charlie at pretending I was fine and finally managed to stop crying. I had to keep a straight face just to get to my truck.

There was no way I’d stay at school today. I could go straight to La Push.

As I washed my face, I tried to convince myself to  _ not _ try and look at him before I left. It would only destroy me further, leave an even bigger mess for Jacob to fix when I saw him.

Oh, God.  _ Jacob _ .

Should I tell Jacob about… all of this?

But  _ he _ was so close, and the hole on my chest was screaming for another look. Because right after the burn, it started to fill a bit at the sight of the bronze hair, the pale skin and the black eyes; like the first bites of food after not eating for days, it pained at the beginning, but slowly it started to get better.

But I couldn’t let the hole hope. Edward might be back, but I was sure not for me. He’d said himself I was not right for him, and I agreed: he was much more than I deserved. 

I looked at myself in the mirror one last time. It was easy to see I’d been crying, but my face was blank. I couldn’t help but feel proud. 

Of course, the fake calm was destroyed the exact second I left the restroom and on the opposite wall Edward and Alice stood glaring at each other.

They didn’t need my “oh” to know I was in the empty corridor.

This time I allowed myself to look at them again. Edward’s face was still contorted in a fury expression directed at Alice.

“Bella!” She exclaimed, approaching me. Without even thinking, I threw myself at her, and she hugged me right back. The tears fell again. It felt so amazing to be on her arms, something I’d believed would never happen again.

Then I remembered that her arms were not  _ my _ favorite cold arms, and I forced my eyes to open. Edward looked at us, his face now with a pained expression. I stared at him as long as I could. The hole had been right; it  _ was _ worth it.

“Are you… what are you doing here?” I asked when she released me. Alice looked at Edward, as if inviting him forward.

“We’re back to Forks,” he said quietly, and I swear I could fly. Again, my hallucinations were a hollow echo when compared to this, and my memories were a travesty. It was better – so much better that I was partially glad that it still hurt because it meant it was real.

“Esme didn’t like Los Angeles?” I challenged him. The corners of his mouth shot up quickly and then turned to a frown again.

“Something like that.”

Just then I felt the cellphone Charlie had given me to coordinate things in the funeral ringing.

It was Jacob.

With a frown I ended the call, but he called once again.

“What’s up, Jake? I’m at school,” I answered, backing away from Alice a bit. I knew they would be able to listen to everything Jacob said anyway, but it was automatic.

“ _ I had to take Billy to the hospital and I saw Dr. Bloodsucker there. They’re back? _ ”

I sighed and bit my lip, ignoring Alice and Edward’s frown.

“Jake, we’ll talk later, ok?” I told him instead.

“ _ You’re with them right now, aren’t you? _ ” he accused.

“I said later, Jacob,” I snapped.

The phone went silent for a moment, and I thought he’d hung up. 

“ _ If after everything he made you go through, and after… you know, you’re thinking of forgiving him, Bells, honestly… _ ”

“Jacob. Later. I’ll see you after school.”

I put my phone back at my purse after hanging up and looked back at Edward and Alice.

“Who was that and why did he call Carlisle ‘Dr. Bloodsucker’, Bella?” Alice asked. 

“I believe that’s Jacob Black. He’s Quileute.” Edward explained simply when I only bit my lip and didn’t answer. “From what I’ve gathered, he and Bella are… very close…  _ friends _ .”

His face was a mask of indifference. Like he didn’t mind what might happen between Jacob and me. Because he obviously didn’t – why should him?

“Bella, can we go out?” Alice pleaded. I smiled at her.

“ _ Of course _ , Alice. I’d  _ love _ to. Just not today, alright? I promised Jake I’d come over to… talk about some… stuff. But tomorrow I’m all yours, if you want.”

Alice grinned at me, but Edward didn’t look as happy as his sister. Maybe he didn’t want Alice to be friends with me so he wouldn’t have to be near me. I sighed. I didn’t think this would happen.

“You can come over to my place with me,” I told her, “or we could go to Port Angeles.”

Alice smiled, less brightly now, and nodded.

“We’ll arrange something tomorrow. But beware – if we go to Port Angeles, there will be shopping.” She warned me. I smiled back. This threat wasn’t so bad if it meant I’d be with her.

“I’ve missed you so much that I wouldn’t mind. As long as we do something together, ok?”

I hugged her again. The hole was mollified for having Alice, but it ached for me to hug the shadow behind her, who watched my every move.

I wouldn’t impose this to him, however. He’d made it abundantly clear how he felt about me now, and I would respect that. I wouldn’t beg him to take me back.

At least that’s what I told myself.

“I, uh, should go to class. See you later. I’m so,  _ so _ glad to see you, Alice. Truly.” I turned to Edward then, observing him observe me. He had yet to smile, but I wouldn’t be like that. I still loved him, no matter what. So I smiled at him. “It was very nice to see you again, Edward. Glad to see you’re as fine as ever. Welcome back both of you. Hope you don’t get too bored.” I added with a small laugh and started leaving the hallway.

“You haven’t eaten.”

_ His _ voice would stop me anytime. I turned back to him.

“I’m sorry?”

“You haven’t eaten lunch. You left your tray full. Won’t you get hungry?” Edward asked, his voice so velvety it was easy to pretend he actually cared about me, if I ate or not, like on those old golden times. I smiled lightly at his small frown.

“Nothing you should worry about anymore.”

I made my way to class again, this time without interruptions. I sat down on my desk, put my face on my hands and waited for class to start. I really should’ve just left.

Edward was back. He was back! And I couldn’t for the life of me understand  _ why _ he was back. Wasn’t Carlisle too old for how he looked? Weren’t they tired of Forks? 

Maybe something bad happened where they were, and they came back because it was easier. Even if Edward didn’t want to be with me anymore, Alice was still my friend, wasn’t she? At least she looked like she wanted to be my friend. And this I could live with. 

And if they were back, and Carlisle too, probably so was Esme, and although my visits to the ER would be less frequent now that I didn’t need my hallucinations, they would happen, nonetheless. I bet Jake had already planned something dangerous for us to do.

I wondered if he would be there with me if Carlisle was the one stitching me up.

Of course, I would talk to Alice to make sure we wouldn’t impose my presence near Edward. It wouldn’t be fair to him. No matter how much I craved for him – for his scent and his arms and his voice.

I focused so much in trying to  _ not _ think about Edward that classes flew by. People didn’t bother with me anymore – except for Mike.

“Are you alright?” Mike asked when he saw me leaving the last class of the day.

“Yeah, sure,” I replied, keeping my head and my voice down. Not that it would matter if  _ he _ wanted to listen, but whatever. I had to try, right?

“Okay. Just checking. You looked a bit surprised to see him and…”

“Thanks, Mike. Really. I  _ was _ surprised, but I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

Mike frowned and I sighed.

“That won’t happen again,” I told him. He nodded and left.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t hoped to run into Edward and Alice before I left, and I suppose I didn’t need to lie about that. I saw them from afar, near the familiar shining Volvo. 

I’d already told Charlie I’d go to Jacob’s after school, so there was nothing holding me back.

I was stalling, and I couldn’t deny it.

I spent the way to La Push trying to organize just  _ what _ I’d say to Jacob.

Edward being back shouldn’t change anything, because I hadn’t changed anything in his life. It shouldn’t change whatever was happening between Jacob and me, or change whatever I’d do in school or in my future.

It didn’t mean, however, that it wouldn’t.

Obviously, it wasn’t fair. Not at all. Not fair to Jacob, but especially not to me. That damned hole shouldn’t be comforted just because I looked at Edward and the corner of his lips quirked.

To my surprise, when I parked the truck in front of Jacob’s, he wasn’t alone. 

“Hey, Sam,” I said as I covered my head with my bag. He nodded at me, and the whole pack, Jacob included, flanked him.

“Hello, Bella. Mind if we talk a bit?”

“Sure. Inside or…?”

He just walked to the forest nearby, with the other boys and I following him silently. We didn’t go too far inside – I still could see some light and feel the raindrops.

“Jacob and Billy told us that the…  _ Cullens _ are back,” Sam said simply. Not a question, just a statement. 

“It seems like it,” I replied, just as calm.

“What do you know of it? Why are they here again?” He asked.

“I don’t…” I cleared my throat, hoping my eyes wouldn’t wet, “I know nothing of it, Sam. They just appeared today at school.”

“And you didn’t talk to  _ any _ of them?” Paul scoffed. I could see his hands trembling.

“I did talk to Alice, but for obvious reasons, she just told me the same thing they said to everyone else: that Esme hadn’t liked LA.”

“I  _ always _ knew these bloodsuckers were stupid! The girl did everything for them, and they didn’t even  _ bother _ to talk to her!” Paul spat, the shaking rising to his arms.

That moment, I wasn’t worried about him turning. I knew Sam would control him if it happened. His words, however, cut through me like a sharp blade, poking the hole viciously.

“Paul, calm down and shut up,” Sam commanded, turning back to me. “You do understand we can’t keep you safe at home anymore, right? Because of the treaty?”

I nodded.

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I don’t know if you plan to maintain contact with them…” Sam continued. I looked quickly at Jacob, whose face was that mask of calm that resembled Sam so much, “but if you do, I’d appreciate it if you passed along the situation with…”

“Okay, no problem, Sam, I’ll tell Alice.”

His face looked like he wished my answer was different – he probably would’ve preferred if I’d said I wouldn’t see any of the Cullens. 

“That’s all, then. Jacob, please rest. We’ll need you tonight.”

They exited the woods in that silent way that reminded me so much of the Cullens, leaving me alone with Jacob. I approached him hesitantly; he was looking down, his face still the same mask I hated.

“Hey, Jake,” I whispered when I got closer to him. He frowned slightly.

“You were with him, weren’t you?” He accused me. 

“No, I wasn’t,” I bit back.

“You smell like them, Bella.”

“I was with Alice, in school, Jacob.”

He gritted his teeth.

“So you’re choosing them?” He asked, making me blink.

“Choosing? Why do I have to choose?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“You know very well what I’m talking about, Bella.”

I sighed.

“Listen, Jake…”

But he didn’t seem like he wanted to listen.

“No, c’mon, Bells. He  _ left _ you here. He just  _ disappeared _ . You know what he did to you. Now you’re going to let him come back to your life just like that? Like nothing happened? Like  _ we _ didn’t happen?” Jacob said, holding my hands. He was close enough that I had to look up to be able to see his eyes.

“You always knew I was broken, Jake. I… I can’t explain what happened between him and me, but… it doesn’t mean we’re getting back. You said it yourself. He… he left me, so…” I broke, not able to speak again as the hole pumped and ached even with Jacob close to me. “But I  _ will _ be friends with Alice, Jacob. And even with…  _ him _ , if it happens. Just like I’ll always be friends with you.”

I couldn’t read his face very well at that point. He lowered his face and, hesitantly, his lips grazed mine, just for a couple of seconds.

“What about this?” He whispered, and I felt his hot breath on my face, so different from the one I so longed for. “What are we doing about this?”

I  _ knew _ he wanted me to say we’d go for it right away, but I couldn’t. And not only because  _ he _ was back. Because even if he was still away, I’d need more time.

“We’re… taking this very slowly. Even if he had not come back and my mess hadn’t grown. You  _ know _ how it is with me. I’m not…  _ ready _ . But we will talk about it later. I was caught off guard and I need to think a lot. Isn’t that reasonable?”

Jake nodded slowly, smiling for the first time that afternoon.

“Can we do something, then?” He asked, “Bikes? Wanna try that cliff today?”

If I told him the real reason I wanted to jump, what would he say? I knew I needed to tell him, but maybe today wasn’t the best option.

“Maybe just catch a movie on TV and get you some rest?” I suggested, and he nodded, grabbing my hands and leading me to his place.

Needless to say, Jake passed out almost immediately after he launched himself on the sofa. I ended up watching the first movie I saw on TV – but truthfully, I thought about Edward.

He looked even better than I remembered. I wasn’t too surprised by that. His voice still made me respond to him in a special way. He also seemed genuinely concerned about me not having lunch – which made no sense. He made it clear in September he didn’t care anymore.

Maybe he was just more used to being around me, and pointed out me not eating out of courtesy to Alice? As we clearly would still be friends. 

I absolutely should  _ not _ be thinking about him – not only because of Jacob, but because of myself. Of how it would affect me. So I did what I’d been doing this whole time: I picked my homework and did my best to not actively think about Edward Cullen.

***

I went almost straight to bed when I got home – only pausing to give Charlie back the cellphone he had borrowed down at the station. Blissfully, I had no nightmares that night. Nothing. I thought the hole would burn and hurt, but it was okay. I slept the whole night, and even woke up rested. Feeling… well, not  _ good _ , exactly, but not bad, either. But enough to make pancakes for breakfast.

“Morning, Bella,” Charlie said as he entered the kitchen, eyeing the plate before looking at me.

“Morning, Dad.”

He sat down, but didn’t eat. He clearly wanted to discuss something.

After a couple of minutes, he cleared his throat.

“So, Bella… I hear, hum, the Cullens are back?” He said so uncertainly it felt like a question.

“Looks like it. I’m going out with Alice after school,” I said with a shrug. Charlie took a deep breath.

“Listen, honey. I know you’re grown, that you’re… better. But be careful, alright? I still worry about you, Bells. Don’t… give in to… pressure or…”

“Dad,” I interrupted him, “I’m fine, okay? Don’t worry, I won’t give in to any pressure,” I assured him.

There would be  _ no _ pressure. 

Charlie nodded, and I finished my breakfast in silence. The only other thing he said was a weak goodbye as I left for school.

I parked on my usual spot, but didn’t get out of the car. I knew people would still be talking, and I’d rather avoid it. So I took my biology annotations and read still on my car. The weather was mild and it wasn’t raining, so I just rolled down the windows and enjoyed the morning chill.

“You weren’t this dedicated to school.”

I looked up with a smile. Alice was frowning as she watched me studying in my car. Edward was several steps away, but my heart sped up anyway.

“I found some free time, and Charlie really wants me to go to college. So I figure why not, right?” I replied. She didn’t smile back.

“You’ve been studying in your free time?” Alice asked with a frown. I nodded.

“We’ll talk about it later, okay?” I said, leaving my car. “Hello, Edward,” I nodded at him, keeping my eyes down.

“Bella,” he murmured back.

“Ok, so I’ve been planning what we could do later!” Alice exclaimed, taking my arm. I smiled and took her hand.

“Yeah? I’m sure it involves a lot of clothes,” I half-joked.

“It might. But we don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” she assured me quickly, “honestly, I’m just glad that we’re doing something.”

“Why don’t we go to Port Angeles and decide what to do when we get there? There’re bookshops, stores, movies, restaurants…” I suggested, and she grinned.

“Perfect! Can you pick me up at home, tho? I don’t have a car…” She asked.

I gulped, thinking about the last time I saw that house – how the hole had hurt, and how it had led me to the motorcycles, and everything else.

“You can take Carlisle’s, Alice,” Edward added quietly, “he’s not on call today.”

“If you could pick me up, that’d be great. I’m sure Charlie would like to see you,” I said.

Alice smiled and we kept talking on our way to Calculus. For what I could see, Edward had kept the same timetable he had before… last September. Thankfully, Alice had managed to get similar classes, which was brilliant – just imagine how utterly  _ awkward _ it would be if I shared the desk with Edward?

It didn’t mean I actually  _ paid _ attention to  _ math _ . I tried very hard not to look at him, but those last few months were cruel. I  _ needed _ to sneak a peek eventually. 

Or more than eventually.

I was aware he knew whenever I was looking at him, and he graciously didn’t stare back. I would probably die if he looked at me. He should still know how I felt about him, and I didn’t want him to feel too bothered by me.

I was sharing the desk with Alice, and she wrote everything down. Maybe she saw that I would need it, because when the bell rang, she gave me her notes with a smile.

“You’re sitting with us at lunch, right?” She asked as we made our way to the next class.

“Uh, I’m not sure, Alice,” I replied. 

“Aw, Bella! Come on! It’ll be just like-”

“It won’t,” I cut her quickly, “it’s not like before, and it won’t be like before. We’ll see each other plenty, but… probably not as much.”

I was glad Edward had his super-hearing, because this assured him that I expected nothing from him. 

The rest of the morning went by quickly, and before I knew I was grabbing a tray and taking my place beside Angela, doing my best to  _ not _ look at  _ their _ table.

Of course the table went silent right as I sat, but I pretended I didn’t know why.

“So… the Cullens are back,” Jessica started nonchalantly, but I knew her better than that. She wanted the gossip.

“Yeah,” I agreed simply.

“LA didn’t work out, then?” She asked.

“Esme prefers it here, it seems,” I was trying to say as little as possible, but this was the public story, so I was probably helping them, right?

“So you and Cullen are not back together yet?” Lauren asked. She didn’t need to smile for me to know she wanted to hurt me.

“Does it look like it?” I asked as politely.

“That’s good, you know. It’s not good for a teenager to fall into that deep depression because of a boy, no matter how hot he is,” Lauren continued.

And I surprised even myself, because I left out a chuckle; the word ‘hot’ caught me as I remembered his cold touch.

“Thanks for your concern,” I replied, but Eric spoke at the same time, “Bella’s dating that Quileute, Lauren. Cut it off.”

I would be very grateful, had he not triggered me. Mike beat me to the correction while my heart raced.

“Bella’s not dating him,” he cut in, “they’re just friends. But yes, leave her alone.”

I said nothing, only sighed lightly. Angela asked Mike about some paperwork, but I knew she had only spoken up to take the spotlight away from me.

“Thank you,” I said as we left. The others had run to class, but I waited for her.

“It’s okay. They’ve got nothing to do with your life, and honestly, Lauren was being very rude,” Angela replied, then hesitated, “but speaking as someone who really worries about you, you  _ are _ fine, right?” I nodded and she smiled. “Great.”

We kept walking and eventually ran into Alice.

“Hi, Angela! Bella, Edward’s taking me home, but I’ll be at your door very quickly,” she informed me. Angela greeted her back with a nod.

“It’s alright. But you are going to talk to Charlie when we get back. He still likes you a lot.”

The two of them understood perfectly that there was  _ someone _ Charlie didn’t like, and I didn’t need to say  _ who _ it was.

Alice grinned and hugged me one more time.

“Of course I will!” 

Angela laughed at Alice and I couldn’t help but grin fondly. Alice had the power to make anyone like her. The three of us went to class, and once again, Alice joined me on my desk.

I took my notes, and was glad I refrained from looking at Edward every other minute.

I had always been grateful for being the exception to his mind-reading, but never like at this point. Of course, he still could hear my heart racing whenever I saw him, but it wasn’t as embarrassing as me thinking how gorgeous he looked on that button-down.

However, it reminded me as I drove home that  _ Alice _ wasn’t immune to him, which meant I would have to be even more careful about what I spoke to her.

It didn’t stop me from grinning widely as I saw Carlisle’s black sedan, or throwing my arms around her before securing my seat belt.

“Port Angeles?” Alice asked and I nodded with a grin.

Being with Alice was very easy. It always had been. She was my best friend for a reason. She started talking about how the weather would give us many days: the Sun would not be shining any time soon.

“So! How have you been?” Had I not known Alice so well, I probably would’ve believed her excitement. But I knew her, so I just shrugged.

“How do you think, Alice?” I asked humorlessly. Alice frowned. “Not good  _ at all _ .”

“How so?” She kept on.

“Haven’t you seen it?” I teased her, but Alice maintained her frown.

“Not really,” she told me. “Well, for one I haven’t been looking. He– I mean,  _ we _ were trying to get out of your life and all. And even now… I’ve been having some trouble seeing you. Some parts of your future are just… gone.”

It was my turn to frown. Alice had never had this sort of trouble before.

“Great. Now not only there’s something wrong with my  _ head _ …” I mumbled, getting a grin from Alice.

“Nothing’s wrong with  _ you _ , silly. Now, tell me what happened while we weren’t here! You’re being awfully secretive about it!”

I hesitated. It’s not that I didn’t trust Alice. I knew she would never tell Edward something I asked her to, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that he could read her mind.

“Don’t take it personally,” I said slowly, “but… let’s just say I’m much better now, ok? It’s not you, you know that. I just don’t…”

“I get it,” she said with a sigh. “I had a glimpse of what would happen at first, but we were all hoping it wouldn’t last much, you know?”

I only shrugged.

“I’m just glad you’re here again,” I told her. Alice went quiet for a few seconds.

“Who’s that Jacob people were talking back at school?” She asked and I winced. “Now I  _ really _ want to know,” Alice laughed.

“He’s from La Push, family friend,” I hesitated, but I decided this much I could tell her. “He’s a great friend, and he helped a lot when… when I  _ needed _ . He’s a bit younger but he’s had to mature a lot recently.”

I wondered if I should tell her about Jacob being a wolf, and I realized I didn’t know how to, or even if I could. But Sam  _ had _ asked me to pass along the message about Victoria, and Alice would surely ask how I had survived so far – the fact in itself was astounding, even taking the homicidal vampire after me out of the equation. 

“So he’s like…  _ that _ sort of friend?” Alice asked, and I was ready to say no, but the past few days came back rushing and I felt my face blush. I hadn’t blushed in a very long time. She didn’t need to see it – her ears could hear perfectly my speeding heart – but Alice turned to me anyway. “Oh!”

“It’s not like that,” I assured her.

“Then what’s it like?” 

“He’s… he  _ wants _ , but I’m… well, I’m not ready to go down that road.” I loved Alice but I didn’t want to let Edward know how much damage he had left behind.

“Hm…” she hummed thoughtfully.

“What?”

“Just wondering if it might be the reason your futures are all fuzzy. You’re completely undecided about this Jacob, so I can’t see much beyond that.”

“What do you mean ‘ _ our _ ’ futures?”

Alice looked at me like I had just asked the dumbest question in the world – I had missed even these stares.

“I mean yours and Edward’s, of course.”

I raised my eyebrows, but I preferred not to start on  _ that _ .

“What have  _ you _ been up to, anyway?” I asked.

“I’ve been searching for my past,” Alice told me as we entered Port Angeles. “My name was Mary Alice Brandon.”

She told me her story in hushes so no one else around us would listen as we wandered through the corridors of dresses and shirts. She told me about Carlisle and Esme, and how Jasper was studying philosophy, how Emmett and Rosalie were on yet another honeymoon in Europe.

Of Edward she didn’t say anything, and I was mixed between wanting to know and fearing the answer.

Had he found other ways to have fun, then? Maybe he truly got tired of being always alert and having to save me from imminent death. Maybe that image I’d had last Spring break when James was hunting me – the two of us on a secluded beach – had become partially true; maybe he had been relaxing under the Sun somewhere. I really couldn’t blame him.

A little voice intruded my mind, wondering if he had  _ really _ moved on, but Alice’s chattering pulled me out of what was definitely going to cost me later.

Maybe I could ask one of her clothes so I could sleep with it and the smell would prevent me from nightmares?

The idea was tempting, but I knew it would hurt… afterwards. And if it reminded me of those nights so long ago, I was almost positive it would remind Edward too, and I didn’t want him to think he owed me anything.

Being with Alice again was good, too good. We had become great friends before, and I had missed her greatly. Not as much as I had missed  _ him _ , of course, but enough to be the happiest than I had been since last September.

We talked about little things too, and she knew not to take me to that restaurant  _ he _ had taken me more than a year ago.

Alice didn’t really tell why they all had come back. I didn’t believe Esme had simply tired of the life they were having, but I didn’t feel like it was my business anymore.

I ate some random fast food while Alice carried the bags; she had bought a lot for herself and her family, and I couldn’t escape her shopping frenzy. Two new dresses, one shirt and even three new skirts (she had frowned quite a bit when she saw my khaki long skirt).

When we got to the car again, Alice’s phone rang. Like her brother, she didn’t need to concentrate much to drive, and she answered the call immediately. 

“Hey, Jazz,” she said with a grin. Slowly, however, her smile faded and a frown took over her face. “I… yeah, I’ll tell her. Sure. Okay. Bye.”

I looked at Alice anxiously, scared what Jasper had told her. She eyed me warily and sighed.

“Please, don’t freak out. You’re safe, and we’ll make sure it stays that way…”

“What’s wrong, Alice?” I asked quickly. What could possibly make her that scared? I searched my mind and only the memory of her vision of me in the mirror room with James came back.

“Victoria is here, probably after you.”


	2. the falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Happy New Year to us all! Here's to hoping anyway.
> 
> I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter - sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. Hope you'll enjoy it at least a bit.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

I sighed in relief. Alice frowned at my reaction.

“I know you’re… not happy and all, but are you actually  _ suicidal _ ?”

I choked a laugh, wondering what she would say if she knew half of the things I’d done while they were away – I entertained the thought of telling her, but I knew it wasn’t the time or place.

“I’m sorry, Alice. It’s just… it’s old news to me,” I told her with a wince. 

Suddenly the black sedan screeched its tires and we stopped besides the road. I looked at Alice quizzically, but her outraged face stopped me from asking her questions.

“You  _ knew _ ?” 

I winced. 

“Uh, yeah. Laurent told me she was coming after me.”

“ _ Laurent _ was here?!”

I sighed. She was very angry, and I think she had reasons to: I should’ve told her as soon as they arrived so they wouldn’t put themselves in risk again.

“I’m sorry. I was going to tell you tonight,” I explained. This much, at least, was true.

“You should’ve told us the moment you saw us, Bella. Oh, God, he’s gonna  _ freak out _ ,” she muttered. “Completely freak out.”

“Well, you’ve been here for a couple of days. Guess it won’t be that bad when you leave again,” I muttered. Although my voice was firm, the hole dug deeper with the words. Alice frowned.

“ _ Leave _ ?”

“Uh, yeah. It’s not safe for you guys. So… leave.”

“Do you honestly believe Edward would leave with Victoria on the loose?” She asked. I shrugged.

“Things are completely different now. He’d feel guilty, sure, but that’s it. So maybe he would? I’m alive, aren’t I? And she’s been on the loose for months now.”

Alice was still looking at me with a shocked expression.

“We’ll get back to ‘things are completely different now’, but yeah. You’ve been lucky so far.”

I snorted.

“Lucky those idiots got to me in time,” I mumbled.

“What idiots?” She clearly was alarmed.

“Oh,” now was the time to pass along the message. “Hm, the wolves. They’ve saved me from Laurent, and they’ve been keeping me safe from Victoria,” I explained.

“You… you  _ know _ about werewolves?!”

“Uh, yeah. I mean, just after Jake changed, of course. But yeah. I know them.”

She took a deep breath.

“You  _ mean _ your…  _ special friend _ is a newly turned werewolf?” She asked, trying to maintain herself calm. 

“In my defense, he only turned  _ after _ we became friends,” I murmured, but I was sure she had heard me.

“This isn’t better, Bella, it’s worse,  _ far _ worse! Werewolves are unstable, even more when they’re new!”

“Jake’s not  _ unstable _ ,” I argued back. He had never completely lost control near me. 

“Bella, please grasp this: werewolves are dangerous.”

“Funny, they’ve said the same thing about vampires,” I replied, raising an eyebrow. Alice shook her head.

“And they’re right. Vampires  _ are _ dangerous.”

“You’re not dangerous,” I told her. She only glared at me – I knew she could be dangerous, but it was the same with Jake. I wasn’t wrong.

“Wait, you’ve gone to his house just yesterday?!” Alice asked.

“Yeah, I told you. He’s my best friend, Alice. He’s been with me these past months. I don’t know where I would be if he weren’t,” I admitted. This might get back to Edward, but… I wasn’t lying.

Alice sighed and her shock and anger disappeared. She looked at me worriedly this time.

“This time hasn’t done you any good, has it?” She asked, and I felt the tears pricking my eyes.

“What did you expect, Alice?” She bit her lower lip. “Did you really think I’d be happy and skipping tunes?”

“I… I hoped you’d be better than what you are now, that’s all,” she explained. “Even more with the, uh, talk about your  _ friend _ .”

I shook my head.

“It’s… complicated, really. And they all have been protecting me all this time, except…”

“Except what? Bella?” Alice went frantic. I sighed. I had to tell her, anyway. Sam had asked.

“Sam has asked me to inform you that they no longer can protect me in Forks, only in La Push… because of the treaty,” I said. Alice nodded.

“Yeah, I imagined so. It’s alright, we’re dividing ourselves to protect you. Now, please, promise me you won’t be having afternoon strolls with young werewolves,” she pleaded. I shook my head vehemently.

“No, no, no. I can’t… you can’t… no, I don’t want you to risk yourselves for me again, Alice. It’s bad enough the wolves are doing it, I can’t have you too… please, don’t…”

“You honestly think I’m gonna leave you unprotected? That  _ we _ are gonna leave you unprotected?”

“ _ Yes _ , please. Don’t get in the middle of it, Alice, please. Honestly, when Victoria realises her revenge is null, she will probably just give up,” I said, not sure if I was completely right about it. Alice simply frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Laurent told me she was after me because Edward killed her mate, so she wanted to kill  _ his _ . She’s not aware… that’s not… that the situation is different now,” I gulped hard, blocking my tears. I already knew Edward didn’t want me anymore, but it still hurt too much, “but when she realises it, she’ll leave.”

Alice’s face was hard to read. She stared at me for a long minute, while I looked straight ahead trying to control both my face and the hole – it was burning viciously, and not even Alice’s comforting presence could stop it.

Because that was it, I reflected as she started the car again and we drove off. Edward had come back, but he simply wasn’t interested in me anymore. The number of times he spoke with me since he came back could be counted in a single hand, and his face always carried that passive expression from last September.

This was too much for the hole to keep quiet.

And yet, I didn’t want him to leave, and I didn’t want to live somewhere he wasn’t. Because even if he didn’t love me anymore, my love for him was still there, as strong as ever – still orbiting the destroyed planet. Looking at him from afar knowing how different our feelings were still was better than never seeing him at all. 

It was only when Alice signaled her turn that I realised where she was taking me.

“No, please, Alice,” I begged her, the tears now falling freely. “I can’t… I can’t face  _ him _ . Not… not there. Please.”

She looked at me startled. She clearly wasn’t expecting this from me, but she changed her path to Forks immediately.

“ I need to talk to them about the situation, Bella,” she told me quietly.

“Yeah, of course. I just  _ can’t _ go to your house, alright? Not now, anyway.”

Alice sighed and frowned.

“I can’t leave you at your place alone,” she said, a bit irritated. 

“Of course you can. I’ve been alone for a few months, you know,” I told her. It had been too long since Edward had spent the night. 

“From what you’ve said, I think the wolves were around,” she said, “so not really alone. And as you’ve told me, they can’t come to Forks to protect you anymore.”

She glanced at me quickly.

“And…” she hesitated, “I can’t see your future after I drop you home.”

I trembled and listened more than felt the sharp intake of breath into my lungs.

“What does this mean?!” I whispered, fear breaking my voice. “Oh, God, Charlie.” He had always been my greatest worry in Victoria finding me at home.

“It means I’m calling the others,” she said, grabbing the silver phone again.

“Alice…”

“No, this is not debatable, Bella. Hi, Jazz. Yeah, I’m going to need you in Bella’s house. Who’s  _ not _ hunting? Bring him too,” she told Jasper. She went silent and hesitated. “No, don’t call him. He’ll be pissed enough as it is. Let him and Carlisle and Esme talk. See you soon.”

“Alice…” I tried again.

“Edward’s hunting with Carlisle and Esme, don’t worry. Emmett and Jasper are meeting us.”

“Emmett’s here?” I had no idea he was here. If he were, then his wife, Rosalie, probably were too; and this was only another reason for me to  _ not _ go to the big house.

“Yes, all of us are. Now, Bella, please,  _ please _ don’t be difficult about this. Jasper and Emmett will check the perimeter first, and then we’ll go inside. I’ve got a backpack here, and I’ll grab some clothes and we’ll do a sleepover, ok?”

I nodded. A sleepover with Alice was a good thing. She would know how to calm me down and I still missed her like crazy.

We were almost home when her phone rang.

“Jazz,” she answered, then frowned. “No, I haven’t… oh. Well, that might be a bit weird, but it’s his choice, isn’t it? I know that, but… yeah, ok. Keep low until you’re seen. No, I can’t.”

“What’s going on?” I asked quickly. Alice sighed.

“Your…  _ friend _ came over. He’s watching the game with Charlie.”

“Jacob’s at my house?” I asked dumbly. 

She only nodded, but in the dim light of the car I could see her pursuing her lips, as if she was very angry at the thought. 

“You’re not upset because of that… rivalry thing, right?” I asked the only explanation that came to my head.

“I’m worried because he’s a young werewolf, and because I’ve just sent Jasper and Emmett there. Your friend might smell them and lose control, and I’d really rather not break the treaty.”

“So you’re not coming to our sleepover?” 

“I am. Just after he leaves.”

“Does it have to be like that?” It was more mumble than question, but she heard me anyway.

“Trust me, you don’t want Jacob Black and me in the same room,” she barked a laugh. I frowned deeply. 

We arrived even faster than I had expected – I had forgotten how fast the Cullens drove when they wanted – and Alice gave me my bags after parking behind Jacob’s Rabbit.

“I’ll be nearby, don’t worry. Jasper and Emmett are seconds away. You don’t have to be afraid, ok?”

I nodded silently.

“You really think your father will believe there’s nothing wrong with you looking like that?” Alice asked with a frown. I laughed humorlessly.

“I’m looking far better than I was a few months ago. Please don’t get yourself in a dangerous situation. Jasper would never forgive me,” I murmured. Alice smiled tightly.

“Just go, Bella. Get your friend out since he can’t protect you and I’ll arrive shortly.”

I frowned but left the car. Alice only took off when she saw me closing the front door, but I had to admit having Jasper and Emmett around was reassuring. With a deep breath I went inside. Charlie sat on the chair and Jacob was laying down the couch, mouth hanging open as he took a nap.

“Hey, Dad,” I greeted him with a whisper. He looked away from the game for a couple of seconds. “Billy around too?”

“No,” he told me. “Jake’s come to see you. I think he wanted to have dinner with you or something.”

“Oh. I already ate with Alice,” I said. Charlie looked at me again, eyeing cautiously.

“So did you have fun?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. It had been fun – most parts. “She made me get some new clothes. Guess I was needing a girls night.”

Charlie simply nodded as the game ended. With a sigh, he got up and winced.

“I’m going to my room. Listen, Bells… I think Jake’s scared you’re gonna leave him behind now that…  _ Alice _ ’s back. Maybe you should… talk to him?”

It wasn’t like him to intrude like this. I raised an eyebrow and Charlie rolled his eyes.

“Billy might’ve mentioned something of the sort.”

“You two gossip too much. I’d say you should wait because Alice’s coming for a sleepover, if that’s okay. We’ve got a lot to catch up,” I added with a smile. He smiled back at once.

“I’ll see her in the morning, then. G’night, Bells.”

It wasn’t even nine o’clock and Charlie was already upstairs. If I didn’t know him better, I would think he was trying to give me space to talk to Jacob. I idly wondered if Jake had told him anything about us kissing.

Thinking about that kiss made me frown. I still wasn’t sure what to make of that; with Edward back, I couldn’t even think of trying anything romantic with Jacob. I just couldn’t. I sighed when I finally admitted it to myself, knowing I would have to tell Jacob this. 

But not tonight. Tonight I should get him out before Alice came back.

“Hey, Jake,” I said, shaking him lightly. He woke up instantly, eyes wide open.

Then he winced.

“Ugh, you smell so bad,” he grumbled with his husky tone. I rolled my eyes.

“What’re you doing here? You didn’t tell me you were coming over. I would’ve told not to, because I already had plans,” I said. He yawned and looked at his hands, as I took a seat next to him.

“I wanted to see you,” he told me quietly, then winced again. “You really smell. Were you like… hugging one of them or something?” He asked. I narrowed my eyes.

“Are you trying to ask me what I think you are?”

He grinned.

“You’re impossible,” I groaned. “Yes, I hugged  _ Alice _ a lot. It was girls night. It’ll be continued soon, when she comes over.” His grin disappeared.

“She’s coming over? Can you really trust her around Charlie?”

I rolled my eyes again.

“She goes to school, Jacob. There are hundreds of kids there. I think she’ll manage just fine.”

Jacob sighed and threw his arm around me, scooching me closer to him. I sighed too as I laid my head on his warm body.

“I was hoping we could, you know… talk,” he admitted. 

“I’d say I could come over your place tomorrow, but I  _ really _ need to do my homework. Thursday?”

“You should come over anyway,” he told me. “We can’t protect you here, Bella.”

“I’ll sort something out with Alice, don’t worry,” I told him. “We’ve got a sleepover and all,” I half-joked, guiltily hiding Jasper and Emmett were outside.

“And the time it takes the Psycho to get here?” He asked, then frowned and then took a deep breath. He looked at me as if I had betrayed him. “They’re here?”

I winced.

“What, you’re hiding him in your bedroom?” He asked, getting up from the couch and starting to shake. “He’s up there waiting for you to make me leave?”

“Of course not, Jake.  _ Calm down _ ,” I warned him. He took a deep breath.

“Yeah, calm down. It’s just… Bells, they’re…”

“Not a word, Jacob. You know the deal–you’ve always known.”

His deep frown didn’t diminish a tiny bit.

“Sorry if the thought of my girlfriend surrounded by a bunch of leeches makes me angry,” he bit off.

“I’m  _ not _ your girlfriend, Jake,” I reminded him. Was he  _ trying _ to get me upset?

He rolled his eyes.

“No, don’t do that,” I said. “We’ve agreed we’d talk about… what happened…”

“So you’re calling  _ us _ ‘what happened’?”

“... but not now.”

“You’re afraid they’ll listen?” He asked me with a cruel smirk on his lips. It hurt because it was true – of course I didn’t want Jasper and Emmett knowing about everything. “So he  _ is _ here?”

“No, he’s not. Not that it concerns you,” he snorted at this, “but I just want to have this talk somewhere private and with more time, ok? So… Thursday.”

He narrowed his eyes at me, but he must have bought my half-lie, because he nodded and uncrossed his arms.

“It’s a date,” he finished with a grin. I rolled my eyes and started muttering while he laughed and I shoved him out of the house. When we were on the doorway, he stopped and cupped my face with his giant hand. “You’re sure they can take care of you? I don’t trust them. I could stay behind.”

I smiled lightly.

“I’m more than sure, Jake. You’ve got to rest. I don’t want you running even more shifts than Sam’s already got you doing because of me,” I told him honestly.

“Sure, sure,” he agreed with that patronizing tone he used to appease his father. Before I could say anything, he hugged me tightly and landed a kiss on my cheek, turning away so I wouldn’t hit his head.

When the Rabbit disappeared from view, I closed the door and sighed as I leaned against it. I would hurt Jacob so much, but it was the right thing to do. He shouldn’t be with someone whose heart belonged to another person.

A few seconds had passed before I heard the door knocking. I opened it instantly, waiting for Alice, but I was greeted by another member of the Cullen family.

“Shouldn’t you be locking doors instead of opening them like this?” Jasper asked, but his smile wasn’t all that big. Perhaps he was worried about the danger I would be putting Alice under.

“I don’t think Victoria would knock politely, you know,” I replied and Emmett laughed. When I looked at him, I smiled automatically. 

“So… you got tired of breaking your limbs so now you go around breaking hearts, huh, little sister?” He asked with a huge grin. I felt my face blushing – I was actually blushing again. Emmett laughed again, but Jasper elbowed him.

“I’m sorry you’ve got to… you know. Do it again,” I told them both truthfully. I hated when people risked themselves for me – even if they weren’t ‘people’ but vampires and wolves.

“You’re kidding, right?” Emmett replied. “Jasper tries to take a bite at you and in response you gift us this? I’d  _ love _ to have some fun, since last time  _ someone _ ,” he eyed Jasper “ended it too quickly.”

“Just shut up, Emm, please,” Jasper said. I tried to hide the pain his words brought me, but Jasper could feel it anyway. Instantly, I felt a wave of comfort and I smiled at him in thanks; it would make no difference when I slept, however. “I’m, er, sorry for losing control on your birthday.”

I knew he was apologising for more than just endangering me – he was also saying he was sorry for what it had caused, for the pain he had caused me afterwards, the pain he could now feel just as intently.

“It’s alright, Jasper. That’s life for me. I don’t blame you  _ at all _ , ok?” 

He nodded, and another wave of comfort hit me, and I smiled again. I saw Carlisle’s car parking right behind my truck and Alice left it quickly. When she neared us, her little nose was scrunched up.

“Oh, God, Bella. Forget the danger, this wet dog smell is awful. You should stop seeing him just because of it.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Weirdly enough, I can’t smell any of it. Come in, I need to pretend you’re sleeping on the couch,” I told her with a smile. “You guys want to come in too?”

Emmett and Jasper raised their eyebrows but hesitated, both looking at Alice.

“It’s alright, you guys can go home. She’ll be fine for the night,” Alice said. Jasper was frowning.

“You can see her now?”

“Yeah, it’s weird. I can see she’ll be fine up until…” her eyes unfocused. “Thursday. What are you doing on Thursday, Bella?”

“Oh, uh…”

“She’s got a  _ date _ with the puppy,” Emmett supplied happily. 

“It’s not a  _ date _ , Emmett,” I retorted angrily, but Alice gasped.

“Oh, my God. I can’t see the werewolves. I couldn’t see your night because Jacob Black was here, and I can’t see past Thursday because you’re going to…”

“Hang out!” I said quickly and Emmett managed to chortle a laugh even with Jasper’s frown and Alice’s revelation.

“It makes sense,” Jasper agreed. “You couldn’t see those glimpses after January. I assume that’s when you became friends with Jacob?”

I nodded, reminding of that ridiculous trip to their house and the hole digging deep inside. Jasper must have felt my despair, because another comforting wave hit me.

“That… sucks,” Emmett said. “I wanted to know what’s happening on that date.”

I glared at him, but he only smirked and winked at me.

“It sucks because we can’t see our enemy,” Jasper said. “It’s dangerous.”

“Enemy? The wolves aren’t your enemies,” I cried out. Jasper made a face at me, but I got the message. Yup. Werewolves and vampires were still hating each other.

“And you should  _ probably _ not say it’s a date when you’re telling…  _ everyone _ tomorrow,” Alice warned Emmett. “If you’d like to keep your arms, I mean.”

Emmett laughed.

“He wouldn’t,” he scoffed. Alice raised her eyebrows, and Emmett stopped smiling. “Would he?”

“Jasper, please record it for me,” Alice said with a smile. Emmett groaned. “You both can go. Oh, and it’d be better if you told him in the forest. I like the new table.”

Emmett nodded and left. Jasper and Alice looked at each other intently, and I turned around, feeling the hole pounding and burning. I had that. Not anymore. Now I only had hurt and hopelessness, and looking at him from afar.

The door closed quietly and the Mercedes purred away as I grabbed sheets and pillows upstairs. Charlie appeared, probably to make sure it was Alice arriving – I wasn’t one for sneaking out, and for the past months, I hadn’t had the desire to do so.

“Talk to her,” he reminded me. I just nodded and went down quickly, to find Alice on the couch, eyes unfocused.

I waited until she returned to the present. When she did, she had a frown on her face.

“Something wrong?” I asked while I prepared the sofa to sleep.

“Just, uh, gauging reactions to our current situation. I really don’t like this blindness,” she muttered.

“What do you mean ‘gauging reactions’? And what current situation?” 

Alice looked at me as if I was asking obvious questions.

“How do you think my brother will receive the news of Victoria, Bella? I’m trying to see the best way to tell him.”

I let her try and understand the future while we sat on my couch, the television still on. I looked at it without really seeing it, thinking about being hunted by crazy vampires and people I loved risking themselves because of it.

At some point Alice sighed and pulled me closer, holding me in her stone, cold arms.

“I didn’t know you liked sports now,” she pointed out. 

“I don’t.”

“Then why are you watching Sportscenter instead of one of the classics you love?” She asked with a teasing smile. I only shrugged.

“I’m not really a fan of movies nowadays,” I explained and her face fell. 

“Like… no movies?”

“Uh, I mean… no romantic movies. Action ones are cool.”

Alice looked at me suspiciously.

“Are you ever gonna tell me what’s really happened to you all this time?” She asked. I gave her a weak smile.

“I don’t think I will, Alice. I know someone who would feel guilty about it, even though they shouldn’t.”

Alice narrowed her eyes.

“I’m not sure they shouldn’t, but it’s not my place to say anything,” she said and I sighed. Her presence, her cold arms… if I closed my eyes… “What did Charlie want you to talk to me about?”

I hesitated.

“He just worries about Jake. He worries I’ll stop hanging with Jake, and that Jake’ll be… sad, let’s put it this way. He’s a family friend, too, Alice,” it sounded as if I was pleading with her. Alice pursed her lips, but kept holding me.

“I can’t say I approve of this… relationship with a wolf,” she said, “but  _ I’m _ not gonna make you stop seeing him. As much as it worries me, because I can’t even see if you’ll come back alive. Now, don’t take this personally, but you should go upstairs. You look like you haven’t slept well in days.”

I snorted.

“Try in  _ months _ ,” I said. “Come on, I need you to help me keep these right,” I asked, pointing to the shopping bags and pretending the frown lines weren’t there.

***

“Alice, may I have a word with you, please?”

I hadn’t even gotten out of my truck yet, but his velvety, furious voice reached me perfectly. His gaze was directed to Alice, who threw him a glance and came to my side. It didn’t seem to appease him at all.

I had had one of the best sleeps of the past months. Alice had stayed with me, holding me in her arms until I was out. It was enough to keep me from the nightmares about him because of how much it reminded me of other nights.

“Of course, brother. Out with it,” she said, looking at him. Having spent so much time with them told me they were having one of their private conversations as the seconds passed and they glared at each other – well, Edward glared at Alice while she simply stared back.

I sighed heavily and started to make my way to class; I knew it could take a while. I hadn’t taken three steps before I was flanked by both of them. I hadn’t been this close to him since last September, and my heart started to gallop in my chest. I wasn’t ready for that. Why wasn’t he keeping away from me like he had done these past couple of days?

I wish I could say I acted like nothing was happening, but I know my face wasn’t as neutral as I’d wanted it to be. People at school might ignore it – who wouldn’t be awkward walking besides their ex-boyfriend? – but I knew  _ he _ would know.

I mean, if he bothered to look at me.

Not that I  _ wanted _ him to look, I just…

I really wanted him to acknowledge my presence, at least.

He seemed to be very upset at Alice. Maybe because she was imposing my presence on him again? Or perhaps he had already learned about Victoria and was pissed Alice got her and their brothers in danger? It was a good point.

Well, as soon as Victoria learned I wasn’t  _ it _ for Edward anymore, she would stop, because killing me as a revenge wouldn’t be the same. She would just…

I managed to stifle my gasp, but I knew they both noticed me stiffening. 

“Bella, what’s wrong?” Alice asked worriedly, turning me into her direction.

“Nothing, I, uh… I think I forgot my algebra book,” I tried to lie. I knew she didn’t believe a bit, but she wasn’t going to start questioning me right in the middle of the corridor.

“I’m pretty sure I saw you packing it today,” she said, eyes narrowing and then throwing a glance at Edward and a sardonic smile. “You know, before we left from our sleepover.”

This time  _ he _ tensed, then let out a sigh.

“Oh,” I muttered dumbly. “Good, then. I’ll just head off to class so you guys can, you know… talk.”

“There’s no need for that,” Alice said happily, lacing our arms together. “Unless  _ someone _ ’s got a problem with us being friends and having sleepovers…”

I looked at Edward quietly, and his jaw was clenched, but he glared at Alice. When he glanced at me, it was the same ice-cold stare from the forest when he left me, and I looked away instantly. 

This wasn’t a look I could take. 

The thing was: whenever I was around him, I almost forgot I had a hole. I felt complete. Just by his presence. But when he would look at me like that, it just started burning again – nothing compared with what I felt when I was home alone, thinking about him – but it existed again.

“Of course I have got no problem with that, if that’s what you both want,” he said slowly. I kept staring straight ahead. 

“Yeah, that’s what we want,” Alice answered for me, “she’s all about friends, did you know that? She’s even made some since we went away. I don’t think she would mind being your  _ friend _ .”

“Alice, please,” I asked her with a whisper. Edward was glaring daggers at his sister, and I absolutely didn’t want to get them fighting. 

“C’mon. With all the studying you’ve been doing, I’ll bet you’re acing this class,” she said and pulled me to algebra.

The class was chatting away while I pulled my algebra book and pretended to skim through the pages. Alice was probably finishing her silence conversation with Edward while I considered my revelation earlier this morning.

If Victoria found out Edward didn’t love me anymore, she would have to change her revenge. She could either change to another person he loved – and I felt my pulse quicken with the possibility of her hurting any of the Cullens – or to  _ him _ .

The first possibility was terrible. It would be devastating to have any of them hurt because of me. But I couldn’t live with the second one. Edward still existing was what got me through. I honestly didn’t know my reaction to Victoria getting close to him.

So I had to hope – really hope – she would be stopped before getting close to him. Maybe the wolves had been enough to scare her away. They had managed to get Laurent, after all. They could get Victoria. 

The fact they still  _ hadn’t _ wasn’t a good omen, of course. But it was still worth hoping – being the stupid, weak human on all of this, hoping was all I could do.

If I were a vamp–something  _ else _ , I definitely would hunt Victoria down before she tried anything with Edward. Or before she hurt any of the Cullens, or Jacob. 

The hole throbbed with the forbidden desire. 

I couldn’t save Edward like this, for sure. But if she managed to find  _ me _ first, before knowing killing me would mean nothing for him and changing her tracks… then she would end this revenge.

I could tell Alice I was going to see Jacob, and tell Jacob I had plans with Alice… and actually just end up in the middle of the forest, waiting until she found me. 

“What are you doing?” Alice asked me in a hushed whisper. I looked at her startled; I’d forgotten she might see it. Behind her I could see Edward looking down, a pencil turned to dust on his hands, but couldn’t make out his face.

“I… nothing,” I replied quickly. She made a face to my obvious lie.

“Then why do I see you alone in the middle of the woods?” 

I shrugged.

“I’ve started hiking lately,” this wasn’t a lie. I had begun hiking – until I ran into Laurent, that is. She didn’t need to know that, of course.

The bell rang just then, and I tried to escape Alice’s inquiries, but obviously she stopped me.

“Mind if I join you in your small hike?” She asked, lacing her arm through mine. I hesitated.

“I wouldn’t mind, but I’m inviting Jacob, so…” it was a good lie because it set my plan on motion.

“Weird…” she mused, “I can still see you in the woods. Alone.”

Her eyes told me she wasn’t falling for my trick.

“Maybe you should let Charlie in on this trip,” Alice suggested innocently. 

I sighed.  _ Charlie _ . I wondered briefly what he would think if the next body they found were mine, after I told him about wolves and he warned me off the forests.

“I don’t need to see the future to know that if  _ anything _ were to happen to you would destroy your father, you know?” Alice whispered.

I knew.

***

“Bella! Finally!”

Jacob’s excitement was clear, and not only because of the tight hug he gave me. He grinned widely and grabbed my hand, dragging me inside his garage.

“So, what d’you wanna do today?” He asked while I opened the Rabbit door to sit down. It felt like  _ ages _ when this place was a little sanctuary where I could run from pain for a while without succumbing to numbness.

“Hm, bikes? We haven’t ridden them for so long I’m not sure I still can…” I suggested. Jacob rolled his eyes and offered me his hand to get up. 

“I’m sure you’re familiar with the saying ‘it’s like riding a bike’, right?”

I laughed at him and he took the bikes out of the garage.

“Where to?” He asked as he started his bike.

“You live here, not me,” I replied. He grinned.

“Follow me, then.”

The ‘if you can’ was implicit in his voice, and I grinned at his challenge. That was the friendship with Jacob I had been missing. Just doing stupid stuff, like following him God only knew how fast.

I remembered idly why I had started with the bikes, and wondered how  _ he _ would feel if he knew what I was up to. He would probably be upset I was breaking my promise to not do anything dangerous, but he had broken his way before that. 

If my life were to happen as if he had never existed, it would be a sad, pathetic thing – more than it was now.

I should probably be paying more attention to the road – being Forks, it was, of course, wet, and being me, well… let’s just say it wasn’t actually surprising that after a shifty break my head collided with the road when I fell off the bike.

It was unexpected to hear the buzzing in my ears, and the confusion wasn’t that great either. It was only when I noticed Jacob very close to me, his voice a bit desperate that I understood what had happened.

“Bella,” Jacob called frantically. I blinked twice and managed to focus his face. 

“Ow,” I croaked weakly. He sighed in clear relief. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, running a hand all over my head. 

“Sure, I’m fine,” I replied, wincing as his hands found a gash near my hairline. 

“Not so fine,” he muttered, closing his eyes. “Is Charlie on duty?”

“Of course, it’s the middle of the afternoon. Why?” Jacob was frowning deeply.

“Because you need to get stitched and I’d rather not face Dr. Fangs,” he explained calmly. I rolled my eyes.

“I’m fine, I can drive there myself,” I grumbled while standing up – or trying to, at least. Jacob’s hand on my waist kept me from falling again. 

“Yeah, you’re just dandy,” he said sarcastically. “Ok, I think he’s the least probable to attack, and I can stay calm. Gimme your shirt.”

“What? Why?”

He didn’t answer; instead, Jacob ripped a piece of my flannel shirt, showing a patch of my t-shirt underneath. He used the ripped piece to press against the still bleeding gash on my forehead.

“Can you hold it? I’m leaving your bike here and I’ll come back for it later.”

I probably shouldn’t drive with my balance so off, so I just nodded and got up behind Jacob. He drove the bike so much better than me – but he did almost everything better than me, so it shouldn’t be a surprise.

He hid his bike in his garage and went inside for a clean shirt for me to use, and grabbed the keys to my truck. I didn’t even try to complain – I wasn’t really feeling my best.

“Just don’t fall asleep on me, okay?” Jacob asked, and I could notice the worry in his hoarse voice.

I didn’t fall asleep, and he made my truck protest loudly as he raced me to Forks Community Hospital. He parked on the first spot he saw and dragged me along, carrying my backpack.

“Any chance Charlie won’t know it was on a bike?” I asked Jacob as we neared the ER.

“That’s what’s worrying you right now?”

“The hospital part is a bit old for me,” I replied nonchalantly and he snorted.

“Yeah, you’re already not right on the head, so…”

I made a face, but I didn’t disagree. It was good he was aware I was not balanced. It would just make it easier to forget about me.

When we entered, a nurse came quickly to know what had happened.

“Uh, she fell?” Jacob said tentatively. The nurse narrowed her eyes.

“How high, sir?” The nurse asked.

“How high would you say she’s while on a bike?”

The nurse pursed her lips.

“Was the bike  _ moving _ , sir?”

“Aren’t we all moving as the Earth revolves around the Sun?”

The nurse took a deep breath and grabbed the phone.

“Yes, Dr. Cullen. We’ve got a head trauma. Motorbike. No helmets. Will do.”

What she did do was scold Jacob for moving me from the scene and not calling an ambulance. Then she turned to me for not wearing a helmet while she helped me get on a cot. 

“Should’ve thought of the helmet myself,” Jacob mumbled, dejected, when the nurse left. I had no time to respond because we no longer were alone – the doctor that seemed to belong more in a TV show than in this sad ER appeared just then.

“Bella,” Carlisle acknowledged me. I knew he wouldn’t be surprised after I stepped on the hospital. He was far too familiar with my smell to not recognize me. “And you must be Jacob?”

Jacob looked surprised to be known, but he also looked a bit pleased – him being known by one of the Cullens probably got him wondering how much I had told them.

“Yes,” he bit off. His hand was shaking a bit, and Carlisle looked at it before smiling.

“Nice to meet you,” Carlisle said, turning to me. “I didn’t know you liked motorbikes, Bella,” he said while taking the shirt off my face.

“It’s recent,” I mumbled. 

“Open your eyes, look at me,” Carlisle asked using his little lantern. “Were you unconscious at all? Threw up? Can you remember everything?”

“I’m fine,” I said in a grumble. Jacob snorted.

“She fainted for a couple of minutes,” Jacob added. Carlisle looked over his shoulder and nodded.

“Well, then I think you’re gonna need a CT scan, just to be sure,” he concluded with a smile. “Then I can stitch your forehead. You only hit your head?”

Although I answered positively, he still listened to my chest with a stethoscope and examined my abdomen. 

“Just the head CT, then,” he finished. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

Jacob only left my side when they made him wait for the actual CT scan. It was very fast, and I was sure it was completely unnecessary – now I really felt fine. But they wouldn’t let me out of the cot, and I couldn’t eat anything. Jacob made sure I didn’t fall asleep, even if I wasn’t the least tired.

After almost half an hour since I was wheeled off to the CT, Carlisle appeared again, a bigger smile on his face.

“Everything’s fine,” he told us.

“I knew it,” I muttered. Carlisle chuckled.

“I’ll get the suture material. I’ll be sure to make it look good,” he promised me.

I wasn’t worried about that – I knew first-hand how good he was. I was already thinking about Charlie.

“How long since I fell in your garage?” I asked Jacob and he chuckled.

“You used that last time. Time to find a new one. Maybe hiking?”

“Ugh, no, he’s forbidden me hiking since… well…”

Jacob nodded in understanding, but was prevented from talking by Carlisle’s arrival.

“Jacob, if you could wait on the other side and take her bag,” Carlisle asked.

Jake nodded and did as was asked. His hands were still shaking and he had a frown, so I took his hand. It stilled immediately. If Carlisle noticed it, he didn’t mention.

“Alice told you about your slumber party,” he said, still grinning, “she said you had a lot of fun.”

“Yeah, it was very nice,” I replied. “I missed her like crazy. Guess I’m glad LA didn’t work out after all.”

Carlisle had an amused face, but it fell away suddenly. I felt Jake’s hand stiffen a bit, but I reckoned it was because of my casual mention of them leaving.

I was wrong.

The curtain opened again and nothing could have prepared me for Edward being outside.

“Oh,” I said dumbly. His eyes were distressed, wild – it matched his hair. His shirt was crumbled, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he had run here. He looked at me intensely, then to Carlisle stitching me up, and finally to my hand on Jacob’s.

I pulled it free quickly.

“Oh, son,” Carlisle said calmly. “This is a surprise.”

Tell me about it.

“Esme asked me to bring you a document about the house,” Edward said. For someone who knew him less than I did, his voice was normal.

But I knew something was distressing him. Was it Victoria? Had she endangered one of them? Was that why he was running?

“Oh, thank you. I’m just finishing here with Bella, I’ll be with you soon. Just wait for me at the entrance of the ER, please.”

Edward was still looking at me.

“Are you alright?” He asked quietly. I nodded, dumbstruck. 

“I, er, fell,” I said stupidly. He narrowed his eyes. Of course he already knew what had happened. 

“And next time you’ll fall  _ with _ a helmet,” Carlisle said with a chuckle. “Please, for your father’s sake.”

I nodded again, still watching Edward. Suddenly his face went from worried to painful, and I looked around to see if something was happening. A quiet snort came from Jacob, and I glared at him.

“Cut it out,” I scolded him. I didn’t have to worry about being quiet; both Edward and Carlisle would have heard me anyway.

“I’m done,” Carlisle said, ignoring his son’s pained expression and Jacob’s smug smile. “You already know the drill, but I’ll remember you anyway: leave the dressing on and dry for 24 hours, then you can wash the wound normally. I’ll give you some meds for pain. You need to take the stitches off in a week, but if you don’t want to come to the hospital, just say the word to Alice and I’ll be happy to have you over. Esme’s been dying to see you.”

I smiled back, but I wasn’t sure I didn’t prefer the hospital this time.

“Tell your father to pay close attention to you. If you feel drowsy, throw up or faint again, come back right away. If you’ve got any questions, you’ve got my number. Please, wear a helmet next time. And get well soon.”

He got up and collected a few of the material he had used, threw it on a special garbage and smiled at me again.

“Edward,” he said quietly.

Edward hadn’t moved; he was staring at the spot where my hand had been holding Jacob’s and I could only remember that weak echo of his voice saying something about holding hands while getting a stitch.

The hole burned viciously and my pulse quickened. Just then his eyes drifted to mine, and I was locked in the golden. His stare would detain my attention no matter what. I felt a stammering on my chest, where the hole was supposed to be – but it was only my heart speeding away.

It was weird to feel like I had a heart again – it felt like Edward had been holding it with himself ever since he left, and his presence returned it back to me.

He opened his mouth but no sound came. He closed his eyes and frowned.

“Are you okay, Edward?” It felt  _ amazing _ to be talking to him again. He opened his eyes and nodded.

“Yes. Are you?” He asked again. His velvet voice was wonderful. It was a crime I hadn’t listened to it in so long, and I knew all of my hallucinations – as poor as they were – had been worthy, and I’d do everything again after he left.

“Fine,” I replied, attempting to smile but grimacing instead. As if on cue, Carlisle appeared to give me a prescription and left after staring at Edward.

“I didn’t know you could ride a motorbike,” he said casually, cooly. I shrugged.

“It’s new,” I answered him. My casualness wasn’t even close to his, but I was proud my voice was firm at least.

“There’re a lot of things you don’t know,” Jacob barked. Edward only nodded but I rolled my eyes.

“Shut  _ up _ , Jacob,” I bit back.

“I see…” Edward moved his hands for the first time since he had entered my curtains. He was so… distracted that he had forgotten to act human. “I’ll get to Carlisle. Feel better soon, Bella.”

Was it so wrong that my heart soared when I heard him saying my name again? Was I imagining the way his voice had purred it, like he was trying to hide some emotion?

When we were alone again, Jacob snorted, but said nothing further. I imagined he was aware Edward and Carlisle could still listen to him and chose not to say anything until we were out of earshot.

“That was… sad,” he finally blurted out. I turned to him, frowning. Jacob had been driving for almost ten minutes.

“What exactly?”

“You,” he said. His face was mimicking Sam’s – the expression I hated.

“Thank you,” I replied sarcastically.

“I’m serious. He only had to  _ look _ at you and you were all…” he didn’t finish. He didn’t have to finish. I knew what he meant, and it was all true. “He’s  _ left _ you, Bells. He’s hurt you more than  _ anyone _ .”

I stared out the window so he wouldn’t see my silent tear sliding down my face. He was being cruel, but only because the truth hurt so much. And I didn’t need to be reminded of that.

“I’m not saying you should just cut them all out of your life… well, maybe you should, considering they’re vampires… but you should at least try to give  _ him _ the cold turkey.”

“You think I haven’t tried?” I couldn’t hold back.

“Have you, tho?” Jacob asked with a sigh. “You just… avoid things, Bella. Avoiding stuff isn’t the same as getting over it. Have you tried to get over him?”

I didn’t answer because he didn’t need me to speak to know the answer.

“You haven’t even given us a real shot,” Jacob muttered. I looked at him again, and Sam’s face was gone; he looked like himself – the frown to hide the pain was all his.

“It’s not  _ fair _ to you, Jacob. Would you really want to be with me knowing how broken I am? Knowing that I still love him, and that I probably will  _ forever _ ?”

“Maybe I do. You don’t know that. You keep saying you’re broken, but I think you’re just using it to reject me. I’m your best friend, Bella.”

I shook my head. Was it time to tell him my real motivation when I took him that bike?

“He’ll just leave in a couple years, and you’ll be as heartbroken as before.”

He wasn’t wrong.

“I know that,” I whispered, holding my legs up. He hit the driving wheel exasperatedly.

“Then  _ why _ don’t you try  _ now _ ? Why don’t you give  _ us _ a shot, Bella?”

Because there would never be an ‘us’ while Edward was around. I could never be a part of an ‘us’ with him so close by. It made no sense, but  _ how _ could I even attempt to date anyone with the one person I loved with my everything _ right there _ ? 

Jacob parked in front of my house and I unbuckled my seatbelt still not answering him. 

“How are you getting home?” I asked instead. He sighed, noticing my evasion.

“Do you even care?” He asked bitterly.

I felt a lump on my throat.

“Of  _ course _ I care. I care about you, Jake. You  _ are _ my best friend. You know that.”

He sighed again and pulled me to a hug.

“Okay. I’ll call one of the boys to pick me up or Charlie will get suspicious.”

“Take the truck,” I offered him. “I’ll ask Charlie to take me to school tomorrow.”

Charlie believed about me falling while walking on the beach with Jacob, but he was worried nonetheless. I could see he was wondering if he should call Carlisle himself, but my face convinced him not to. 

I ate the sandwich he had made while he and Jacob talked about the truck and went straight to my room. I didn’t want to be around anyone anymore, and I think Charlie noticed it in my eyes, because he only said ‘goodnight’.

It was only when I was falling asleep that I realized Edward hadn’t seemed bothered at all by my blood on the ER.

***

(EPOV)

Thinking clearly and without the fear of tragedy on my mind, I completely regretted my rash reaction. 

Carlisle had texted Alice to gauge my reaction to the news that Bella had been hurt – he just wasn’t aware I was with Alice and as soon as she read the message, I saw it too.

I didn’t even ponder; I simply got up and started running as fast as I could – of course, another stupid decision because I had no explanation to how I had gotten on the hospital. Based on Carlisle’s message, Bella was undergoing a CT scan to assess the possibility of brain injury. She had suffered head trauma after a motorbike accident. No helmets.

Bella on a motorbike was an absolutely frightening idea. She was already in high risk of hurting herself by simply standing; the possible damage of her on a motorbike of all things was overwhelming.

Was that what I had left behind? I thought I was leaving Bella safer. She had promised me not to do reckless things, and now she’s fallen from a motorbike. 

But then again, I, too, had broken my promise. I had come back for her. 

I had tried to stay away, but I wasn’t strong enough. I was selfish, and I caved. I needed to see her. I needed to know Bella was fine. 

In the beginning, remembering what I had forced her to go through – from the very first day in the classroom when I hadn’t killed her to the day she was almost murdered on my home at her  _ birthday _ – was enough to make me pursue this tiresome journey. But just barely.

Just a few days after I left I managed to keep her out of my mind for some minutes, distracting myself with frivolous things that didn’t last. Ast the time wore on, I couldn’t go a second without thinking about her anymore. I fed less and less, I avoided my family completely—I avoided any sort of company. I tried to put her out of my mind, but I failed quite spectacularly. The last days were torturous, and my selfishness won.

I crawled back to Bella.

I had planned to beg her into accepting me back. I would do anything she asked of me if I could be in her life again – never bad mouth her truck again, always let her drive, cook for her. Whichever she either wanted or needed.

Alice’s lack of clear vision on her had made me unsure. Had she truly moved on? Was her strange and unique exception to me now expanding and stopping Alice too?

I went directly to her house, but she wasn’t there. The house was empty and I found it strange; it was Spring Break, and Alice hadn’t seen her planning anything. Still curious and needing to know whatever I could, I headed to the Police Station, hidden by the forest’s shadows. Charlie’s thoughts, as usual, were hard to decipher, but the gist of them circled around images of Bella and Jacob Black. 

I remembered Jacob Black. His mind wasn’t a bad place. He had always harbored feelings for Bella, but it wasn’t like Mike Newton’s fantasies. 

And yes, I couldn’t quite comprehend Chief Swan’s thoughts, but it revolved around Bella and Jacob Black, and it hinted of romance. I hesitated.

Had she found someone better? Someone who wouldn’t endanger her life? Was she happy, ready to have the normal, healthy life I had intended? Was my coming back a mistake? I knew it hadn’t been the best idea, but was it even worse?

I knew what I should do—the  _ right _ thing to do—but I couldn’t force myself to do it. Not again.

The right thing was to turn back to South America on my ridiculous attempt to chase Victoria—partly for something to do, but mostly because it was something that had been a threat to Bella once.

Even if I were away, my existence was intrinsically knit to her life.

So instead of leaving the town for good, I returned to the woods of the familiar little house.

I stopped on the clearing where I had last seen her, where I had said goodbye and left behind any resemblance of humanity I still possessed—right with the one girl who had brought it to me.

I stayed on the clearing far too long; when I noticed, the noise of Bella’s truck hit me. My body trembled in anticipation; after all this time – days, weeks, months –, I was going to see Bella again.

Then I noticed she had company. Jacob Black’s thoughts invaded my head. 

She wasn’t alone.

He kept thinking about Harry Clearwater and his funeral, but his mind deviated to Bella by his side; he looked at her and I saw her hunched form, close to him. 

It could easily be in a friendly way, but Jacob’s thoughts led me to believe otherwise. As he parked in front of her house, I realized the romantic feelings were more from Jacob than from Bella, so they could be unrequited.

I felt myself hoping for the first time since her failed birthday. The elation that took over my body was stronger than I had ever imagined it would simply because she didn’t seem to be dating another person. It was the same feeling that I had experienced when she rejected Mike Newton’s invitations so long ago–but now I chastised myself even more for my negative thoughts towards her being with another person. I wanted it to happen. It should happen.

The traitorous hope was smashed into smithereens when I focused on Jacob’s mind again.

It couldn’t be so unrequited if she was kissing him, could it?

So I started running again–no destination in mind, just trying to put me away from the pain. I had no right to be jealous, and yet the old feeling returned. The lack of control over my emotions, the irrationality of it all, the overwhelming desire to break them apart and shove his head against the nearest tree trunk.

This was good, I tried to remind myself. Jacob Black was human. His mind wasn’t vile. He had real feelings for her. Chief Swan approved of him. He would give her a future. 

But my selfishness once again triumphed and I felt no happiness for my plan becoming successful. 

I wasn’t in my best shape, but I heard Alice’s mind and her warning she would keep looking for me. With a sigh, I stopped running and waited for her to reach me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, emotionless, when I knew she would be able to hear me.

“The same as you, silly. We’re back!” She replied happily. 

“What? No. We’re not back,” I disagreed instantly. Bella had moved on. I had to leave. She was happy. Alice raised an eyebrow.

“Weird. I remember clearly you asking me about Bella and I  _ saw _ you coming back,” she said but I just shook my head. “In that case, you’ll be the one to go to Forks Community Hospital and resign for Carlisle. He’s just taken up his old job back,” Alice informed me. Then she frowned as she eyed me, “ _ please _ tell me you haven’t gone to Bella in this? That’s… preposterous. It looks like that’s all you’ve worn since you left.”

“It is,” I admitted. If I wasn’t suited for companionship, why would I worry about changing my clothes? 

Alice sighed.

“Come on, Edward. You’ve suffered enough alone. Let Esme take care of her first child, okay?”

I didn’t reply, but I saw on her mind what my leaving right then would do to Esme so I followed her lead. Carlisle and Esme were ecstatic to see me; it had been too long, but I couldn’t handle company. Emmett was glad, too. Rosalie ignored me and I ignored her, as we had been doing for a year. Jasper tried to be happy to see me, but his empathetic senses were overwhelmed by my hopelessness; I didn’t blame him for keeping some space.

“You shouldn’t have come,” I mumbled. “I don’t intend to stay. I made a mistake by coming here.”

To my surprise, the first to disagree with me was Rosalie. I was confused by her snort; she had no warm feelings towards Bella.

“I’m  _ not _ moving again because of your desires, Edward,” she said. 

_ “Not now that the family’s back together,” _ she thought. 

I wasn’t sure if I believed Rosalie’s thoughts as a true justification; it wasn’t like her to consider other people’s feelings.

“I have just committed myself to the hospital again, Edward,” Carlisle told me. “I need to stay at least for a bit.”

I nodded in understanding.

“I think that all of you are able to maintain your distance from her. I’ll be leaving tonight alone, then.”

_ No, please, not again _ , I heard Esme’s thoughts. My resolve weakened; I hated hurting Esme.

“How do you think Bella’s going to feel if she sees me at school and you’re not there?” Alice asked out loud. It was a bad vision: Bella was happy to see my sister, but her face still hurt. 

“Edward, please, stay,” Esme asked with her motherly voice. “I miss you, son. We all do. Perhaps being near her will do you some good.”

“It’s not me I’m worried about,” I reminded her.

“It might do you both some good,” Carlisle added. “At least try, Edward. We can’t have you not being with us while still in high school.”

I sighed.

And I stayed. 

I stayed as though it was a favor I was doing to my family, as if I were doing it as a part of being a Cullen. I was pretending I wasn’t anxious to be near Bella again. Jacob or no Jacob, I needed to listen to her heart and to smell her scent once more – to prove to myself she was real.

Bella seemed absolutely shocked to have seen me in school, but she had no problems with Alice. Perhaps she was trying to maintain her distance because of her new boyfriend? I detested the thought.

But just seeing her there,  _ alive and well _ , did wonders to me. It was incredible how much I was connected and tied to her, in so many different ways I couldn’t even comprehend all of them. 

I explained to Alice who this Jacob Black was and she understood immediately why I had been hesitant to stay. It seemed like he believed the old Quileute legends, and I worried (and hoped at the same time) he might try to turn her against us–hadn’t it been him to tell her just what we were last year?

Until I learned just what  _ he _ was.

It was so quintessential Bella that she found the most dangerous creature she could after I left and decided to befriend them. It was almost like she  _ enjoyed _ the danger of being in monsters’ company.

I had had to remind myself time and time again that I had no more right to tell her what was dangerous to her. I had to at least try and leave her alone.

And Alice seemed to be passing along the message just fine, even if not very successfully.

I was handling the situation–not very well, but handling it–until I heard about Victoria.

As if Bella being in such risk wasn’t enough, it meant I had been utterly useless on my hunting quest. How could I have been so stupid? Where had I lost her track? 

As if having a murderous maniac after Bella wasn’t enough, I still managed to be angry about Alice reconnecting so fully with Bella, not letting her ponder if she wanted to mingle with us again that much–and suddenly it was needed again.

Emmett and Jasper reported to me what had transpired in Bella's home–wolves protecting her, Jacob Black’s possessiveness, Alice already plotting Bella’s protection. 

I went from angry to furious.

I could barely contain it while I confronted Alice when she arrived with Bella. She was being rather obnoxious about their sleepover, but she was blocking me from what they had talked. It only got worse when a vision came to her showing Bella alone in a forest. 

Showing we would, somehow, fail. Giving me another nightmare that I saw every second of my day.

Once again, I couldn’t handle being with my family. I used the time to try to search for Victoria again, keeping on our side of the treaty line and not leaving Forks for long. But there wasn’t a fresh trail.

At school, Bella sat with her human friends while Alice joined me at our old table, where I had to endure once again Mike Newton’s ridiculous thoughts about Bella– _ this _ I hadn’t missed; this infuriating, insignificant human being. I couldn’t even see Bella’s face to read her expressions, and I had to rely on other eyes like his to try and understand her.

In all honesty, it felt like Bella was ignoring me, pretending I wasn’t there. It was very different from the way she treated Alice–she was as warm towards my sister as her skin used to be underneath my hands; her voice was as soft as her lips had been against mine; and her feelings for Alice seemed as unchanged as my icy heart. 

My anxiousness for Bella’s safety and wellness remained similarly untouched, so when I asked Alice what she saw Bella doing this afternoon and her vision was pure darkness, I had to hide my reaction with great effort.

Once again Bella would put herself in danger by choosing to be in the presence of a werewolf. 

Alice noticed my discomfort and promised in her mind to talk to Bella about it; Bella only told her to mind her own business and that she would be safe. Alice could only promise to wait for her in her house to protect both her and Charlie.

Alice didn’t even need to ask to know I would be joining her in the woods outside the Swan residence. 

We were standing against a hidden tree when Carlisle sent the text that had me fleeing to the hospital.

I saw in Carlisle's mind she wasn’t alone, but it didn’t matter at that point: I could only care about her being safe. I knew when both he and Jacob Black had felt my scent, because they flinched inwardly.

“ _ I’m not sure you should’ve come, Edward, and not only because she’s bleeding, _ ” Carlisle warned me calmly.

“ _ What is this stupid bloodsucker doing here? Has Dr. Fangs spilled the beans already? _ ” This less polite surely belonged to Jacob Black.

I knew they were somewhat involved, but nothing prepared me for seeing Carlisle stitching Bella’s forehead while she held Jacob’s hand.

Her little “oh” told me how unexpected I had been, along with the quickness to free her hand. 

Although out loud he was perfectly polite, Carlisle berated me for coming. Not only because of Bella and Jacob, but also because I was invading his ER.

“ _ I know you’ve graduated twice, Edward, but no one else does, _ ” he said. I made up a lie about some documents while I tried to keep myself detached; it was very hard to control my voice when the image of another man holding Bella’s hand – doing precisely what I longed to do.

Carlisle asked for me to wait on the entrance of the ER, but I couldn’t move; the deep chocolate eyes that had caught me so long ago were helding mine, the magnetism once again so strong it took all of my willpower to not get on my knees and cradle her in my arms.

It was stronger, I realised, than my own thirst for her blood. I could smell it, but the compulsion to be near her, to make sure she was safe, was stronger than even that.

It wasn’t ‘mind over matter’ anymore; both parts were in agreement that only one thing was relevant now: Bella.

“Are you alright?” I  _ had _ to ask. She didn’t seem to be in pain, but she was… confused? Startled? Surprised? It had been so long since I felt the need to read her expressions and not be able to just question her about it.

“I, er, fell.”

Her lie was so obvious that even I didn’t know her as I did – even if I hadn’t already known about the accident – I wouldn’t have believed her.

Carlisle reprimanded her about wearing a helmet (she was riding a motorcycle  _ without a helmet _ ), and I entered Jacob’s mind to try and see it for myself – perhaps he was remembering the accident.

But I soon regretted it; he had a very detailed memory, but it wasn’t today’s afternoon he was thinking about. It was more painful than I imagined it would be, considering I had seen them kissing before.

Bella was still watching my face when this particular image reached me, and I was so intent in remaining where I was that I couldn’t school my face into indifference. My pain must have shown, because she turned around and ordered him to stop.

Which, of course, he didn’t.

And it worried me. I had to force myself to be happy for Bella. She had found someone, as I had intended her to. He wasn’t completely human, no, but he was able to give her so many things I would never manage: a chance of a family, a future together, her soul remaining pure.

My need to be near her was strong, but I didn’t think I was strong enough to watch her get married and move on. I would probably need to leave. Not at once, no. At least until we graduated, to make sure Jacob was good enough for her.

Well, no one would ever be good enough for her, but at least passable. 

The major problem, of course, was him being a werewolf.

So I would stay, I decided on that tight space, curtains around me and Carlisle mentally warning me off: I would stay for now (both for hers and my family’s sake) and befriend Bella, just to make sure she was fine with Jacob. Then I would hunt Victoria.

The rest of the future was too painful to plan ahead, so I remained in the present: Carlisle instructing Bella about her cares with the wound and inviting her over; he wasn’t lying, Esme really missed Bella.

But her tight smile said clearly it would take a very long time before she stepped foot on our home again, and nobody could blame her: last time she had gone there, she ended up being thrown onto a pile of plates.

_ I _ had thrown her onto a pile of plates.

Back then, I had had to leave the room. My thirst for her blood dominated me so strongly that I couldn’t even hold her hand while Carlisle stitched her – not like Jacob just had done.

“Edward,” Carlisle said.  _ How remarkable. It’s like her blood isn’t even making him uncomfortable. Wonder when that happened… last time… _

Like me, he was comparing today with her last birthday, but his thoughts were more hopeful than mine, as usual.

Then her pulse quickened. Oh, I had missed this. How the little sounds of her body – her pulse speeding, her heart hammering, her casual breathes – reminded me she was very much alive and well; how they made my existence have a meaning.

It was all her.

I looked at Bella again, perhaps expecting a blush, or the flash of intuition behind her eyes – and the magnetism held me once more. I wanted to continue to talk to her, but I had nothing to say. I remembered when she accused me of dazzling her, how she couldn’t quite express herself. 

She was the only one who could render me speechless.

But why had her pulse quickened?

In the past, it usually happened when I touched her. I liked to think it was a response to  _ me _ , not to any touch – but perhaps I was wrong, and Jacob had grabbed her hand again, and that’s why her heart rate had gone up.

I closed my eyes and frowned. It wasn’t something I wanted to see.

“Are you okay, Edward?”

But when she called my name, I couldn’t refuse her. 

And right then I knew I would never  _ really _ leave, despite what I had planned mere minutes ago. I would always be on the sideline, waiting for her to say my name again. The pain of seeing her with another person was searing, but the suffering that came with never seeing her again was greater.

“Yes. Are you?” I tried to modulate my voice. I had to be careful. I knew how she was good, and I knew she might feel somehow responsible for my feelings for her. Had I botched it up already and made it abundantly clear nothing had changed regarding that aspect?

“Fine,” she whispered and grimaced. I wasn’t satisfied with that. 

I pretended I didn’t see Carlisle’s third warning stare at me when he gave her the prescription. 

_ She got off lucky _ , Carlisle thought,  _ riding without a helmet is extremely risky. Perhaps I’ll speak with Alice about it… _

I forced myself to seem disinterested when I asked her about her new hobby, and I knew she tried to do the same – but her voice trembled a bit.

I wanted to ask her about our agreement when I left – hadn’t she promised me she wouldn’t do anything  _ reckless _ ? Motorbikes were too dangerous already, but no  _ helmets _ ? 

Jacob’s reminder about how much I had missed on her life effectively shut me up.

He was right, even if Bella told him to be quiet and rolled her eyes. I had missed a lot, and the kiss he replayed on his mind was just one of the things. I wondered idly if only had happened once – I supposed so, because he kept remembering only this occasion. 

“I see…” I said emotionless as I grabbed the curtains to leave. “I’ll get to Carlisle. Feel better soon, Bella.”

Saying her name to her again felt glorious. I shouldn’t be allowed to feel that way again. A creature so egotistical and selfish such as myself shouldn’t have this sort of pleasure.

But I did.

It rolled off my tongue as easily as it had done in the past; my favorite word in the world. I wondered if I failed as spectacularly as I thought I did in trying to hide the devotion her name caused me. Perhaps I had; her heart pumped harder once more.

I went ahead to wait for Carlisle in his office while he finished a quick round on the ER. When he returned, he was carrying something hand: Bella’s backpack.

_ She forgot it _ , he explained. 

“I’m not sure you coming here was a good idea, Edward,” Carlisle said when he sat down. I closed my eyes.

“I’m sure it wasn’t,” I replied and he smiled weakly. 

“I know you’re…  _ worried _ about her, but I think you’re not the best person to talk to Bella about it,” Carlisle continued. 

He tried to hide it, but Bella’s file was filled with past visits to the hospital; injuries that had happened while we were away, and similar (but less grave) to today’s.

“I know.”

Carlisle looked at me, but I couldn’t meet his eyes.

_ You’re not leaving, are you? I know I said it might do you both some good, but I wasn’t aware…  _

“Not for now, as we agreed previously.”

_ And now? What are you going to do now? _

“I…” I hesitated. I hadn’t thought yet. I needed to go to Bella’s house and hide in the woods to make sure she was safe. I wouldn’t approach her, I wouldn’t make myself visible. Only protect her.

Jacob Black would probably know I was there, however. Would him tell Bella? His thoughts towards me had been antagonistic, to say the least, and not only because of the vampire-werewolf rivalry.

Had Bella told him everything that had happened in the past? Did he consider me a rival? 

The last notion pleased me more than it should.

Before I could reply Carlisle, my cell phone rang and I quickly answered Alice.

“I’m already at Bella’s,” she said quietly. “She’s just entered with Jacob. I’ll be here for now. Your car’s in the hospital parking lot. We’ll change places after you drop off her bag.”

“Thank you, Alice. Really.”

“I’m not doing it  _ only _ for you, Edward,” Alice reminded me. “I love Bella as much as you do. And we need to talk about… this whole situation.”

“Another day, perhaps.”

“Wait an hour before going,” she advised me. “Jacob will be gone by then. Let’s refrain from any sort of difficulties.” 

She knew I was avoiding her, but she didn’t complain. When she thought it was the right time, she would come for me, ignoring whichever my wishes regarding the subject might be.

Carlisle gave me Bella’s backpack with a worried smile and encouraging words on his mind. As always, he had the utmost faith and trust in me; he was absolutely sure I would do the right thing, even if I doubted it myself.

I had done everything wrong at first; I had stayed until I let Bella fall in love with me. I enjoyed her company, I fulfilled my selfish desires, and I paved her pathway to where she was now: once more, hunted by a ravenous, sick vampire.

Once more, her life was at stake.

It had bothered me immensely when Alice said she didn’t want us to protect her. Even if it hadn’t been my fault she was being hunted – if Bella had managed to find a murderous vampire by herself, which wasn’t impossible, considering she had found me – I would still stand between her and them.

Did she not know this?

Had she believed so truly I didn’t want her, the vilest of the lies I had ever told? And at the same time, the most absurd of all. 

Bella was permanent in me. The way she had changed me would not waver until I ceased to exist; she would always be my priority.

I could respect her choosing another man over me – I would force myself to – but it didn’t modify in the slightest my job to keep her safe.

Perhaps she didn’t know this. How could I make her aware of this and not appear I’m trying to force her back to me?

The hour Alice had asked me to wait had gone by while I mused about Bella alone – Carlisle had been called long ago on the ER. With a sigh, I grabbed Bella’s backpack and left the hospital. Alice had parked my car conveniently near the entryway and I was on the road to Forks in minutes.

Bella’s truck wasn’t parked there. Had she gone somewhere? But Carlisle had warned her to rest, hadn’t he? Had she become  _ this _ reckless?

_ The werewolf took her truck _ , Alice explained in her mind before she left. Jasper was waiting for her for a hunt.

I could hear the television turned on some basketball game – it meant Charlie was up. After the initial shock of not seeing her car, I focused and I could hear Bella’s breaths and heartbeats; they were very calm, rhythmic and peaceful. She was asleep, then.

I walked quietly to the front door. I couldn’t understand Charlie’s thoughts very well to predict his reaction, but I was intelligent enough to know it wouldn’t be very positive. I knocked twice; he was very surprised to have someone at the door.

His face when he saw me, however, told me I didn’t need to learn his thoughts to know exactly how he felt towards me.

“Good evening, Chief Swan,” I greeted as politely as ever. His frown was deep and his mind angry.

“What are you doing here?” He asked bluntly. “I hope you’re not here for Bella, because if so… you have some nerve!”

He was, of course, right. I shouldn’t be near Bella at all.

“Bella forgot her backpack at the hospital today,” I explained, raising the mentioned object. “Carlisle asked me to bring it, because he won’t leave the hospital until the morning.”

“What were  _ you _ doing there?” His tone was accusing, and he correctly suspected I had run to the hospital because of Bella. 

“I had to bring my father some urgent documents for my mother,” I had to use the same lie, at least. “I dropped them off and came to leave Bella’s backpack.”

“You could’ve asked Alice to give it to her tomorrow,” Charlie said, crossing his arms. In his mind, my sister was free from judgements. 

“I thought, perhaps, she would want to have some homework done tonight still,” I shrugged for good measure. He narrowed his eyes.

“She’s asleep.”

“Oh, that’s alright. Can I leave it with you, sir?” I asked, pointing at the backpack. He snorted.

“Even if she were awake, boy, that’s all you would do. I don’t want you near my daughter again, are we clear?”

I nodded.

“Nothing from you anymore. What you’ve done to her…”

Charlie’s thoughts had always been… muddled to me. I couldn’t understand the words, but I could capture feelings and see the images in his mind perfectly. And just then he thought exactly what I had done to her.

The first image wasn’t new to me; I had seen it on Alice’s mind. The pain was the same. But there were more, many more: Bella, alive and yet lifeless. Bella doing things simply because she had to, to appease Charlie. Bella throwing a tantrum when he and Renée tried to get Bella to move to Jacksonville. Bella locked up in her bedroom the whole weekend, every single weekend. Bella screaming during the night – every single night – until she became friends with Jacob Black. Bella’s face whenever something might remind her of us.

Bella mumbling “he’s gone” the night I left while she cried.

All of her suffering because of me.

“I want you  _ out _ of here, do you understand me?” Charlie barked.

I was positive I hadn’t been able to school my expression into something acceptable, but it hadn’t seemed to bother Charlie. He just wanted me to leave and never come back.

“I understand you, Chief Swan. Good evening.”

I turned quickly and made my way to the car, tuning down his thoughts. 

The images were printed on my mind, however.

Most likely forever.

Unbeknownst to him, Charlie had given me my personal hell, in which I would burn in penitence for an eternity of suffering and guilt for my unpardonable decisions and the terrible consequences.


	3. the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to our final chapter of 'blinding lights'! Sorry for the delay, but I hope you enjoy the end of our little story.
> 
> Good news is: there will be an epilogue! Can't promise dates, but it will come!
> 
> Thanks for reading and comments are always welcome!

It took me a few seconds to get why my head was throbbing, but I only had to frown to feel the pull of the stitches. The whole afternoon came back to my mind and I sighed.

Seeing Edward there shouldn’t make me feel so well, but it had. He had actually spoken to me, which was a huge evolution.

Perhaps he didn’t actually  _ hate _ me.

I could hear Charlie still downstairs and I was partly glad he hadn’t forgotten I didn’t have my truck. As much as I hated the idea of getting a lift from the cruiser, the rain was too thick to make it possible to walk to school.

I got ready quickly, knowing Charlie usually left earlier than I did, and I didn’t want to make him late.

I went downstairs frowning; I didn’t remember bringing my bag from the hospital. If I had left it there, I would have nothing to take to school, and I had a paper due.

“Morning, Bells,” Charlie greeted me. I smiled tightly and sat down. He stared at me as I poured myself some cereal. So he wanted to talk. Had he found out about the bikes? “You forgot your bag yesterday,” he finally said, pointing with his head to my bag on the couch.

“Oh. Jake brought it over?” Maybe he noticed I didn’t have it and turned back when I was asleep.

Charlie cleared his throat.

“No.  _ Edward _ did.”

My soft “oh” was quieter this time. Edward had brought my bag back? But… 

“He says Carlisle gave it to him, and he didn’t know if you’d want to do homework before heading to bed.”

I swallowed my heart back to my chest; since Charlie mentioned  _ his _ name, it had raced upwards until it found a new place on my throat.

“That’s… that was very nice of him,” I added quickly, eating the cereal (now tasteless, of course. How could I focus on such unimportant things like flavor when de had come here and I had been asleep?).

“Bella, please don’t forget what he did to you…” Charlie pleaded.

Yeah, he had left me. But was it really that wrong? Weren’t people allowed to break up relationships if they weren’t in love anymore? Isn’t that for the best?

The problem was with me;  _ I _ was the one who couldn’t get over him.

Furthermore, what did Charlie know about it?

“Hm, his father took a job in another state and he followed his family as any underage should?” I managed to speak. Because, honestly. Charlie could resent him because of my… reaction, but what fault had Edward in the public story? None.

“Well, he didn’t tell you,” Charlie insisted. I chuckled.

“You really think  _ timing _ was the issue?” I asked. “That if he’d told me before it would have been different?”

Charlie narrowed his eyes.

“Why are you defending him?”

“Because he’s done nothing wrong!” I replied.

Because I love him and can’t hear anyone saying bad things about him, even after all the pain I’ve been through.

“Well, I disagree on this one.”

I only shrugged. It wasn’t like Charlie to talk so much. He sighed.

“Listen, Bells, it just… it worries me. You’re both very young, and after last September… I can’t help my protective side. You’re my daughter,” he finished clearing his throat. 

It was my turn to sigh. I couldn’t blame him for wanting what he thought was best for me.

“I know, Dad. You just don’t need to worry, ok?”

Charlie didn’t agree, but he didn’t speak more of it as I finished breakfast. He said nothing else until we were outside, about to enter the cruiser, and a silver Volvo appeared.

My heart sped up again: uncertain if it should despair or hope, it chose to just show itself more.

“Don’t need to worry, huh?” Charlie muttered under his breath. Thankfully Alice jumped out of the car quickly smiling widely.

“Charlie! It’s been so long!” She greeted him. Charlie smiled at her; he would forever be grateful for sparing him the task of bathing his grown daughter.

“Hey, Alice. What’re you doing here?” He asked back. Her grin didn’t falter.

“I knew Bella didn’t have her truck, and I didn’t want you to be late, so I’m giving her a ride,” she explained. “Just until she gets her car, of course.”

“Oh. That’s very thoughtful of you, Alice, thanks,” Charlie seemed somewhat surprised by the kindness and consideration.

“It’s nothing. It’s a small town, after all,” Alice waved her hand in a dismissive manner. “Let’s go, Bella! Can’t be late either. Good seeing you, Charlie.”

Charlie gave me a piercing stare that I understood as “stay away”. I smiled at him, even though I knew his advice wouldn’t be taken into much consideration.

Alice directed me to the car and I took a very deep breath before opening the back door. Alice looked at me with questioning eyes and I just shrugged. 

“I think this would be a good arrangement,” Alice said as I entered. She kept talking, but I couldn’t pay attention. 

I was too focused on the smell that took the car; that sweet scent that made my heart ache from the good memories it brought.

When I fastened my seat belt,  _ he _ started the car again and accelerated calmly – not at all close to his pace. Maybe for Charlie’s sake, like he used to do before.

I looked up and his eyes found me in the rearview mirror.

I gasped with the intensity. It was incredible, really, how my reactions were the same as they had before he had left. Would my heart ever quit trying to escape whenever I interacted with him?

“... so we should be by your door at the same time, then,” Alice finished.

“Hm, what?” I asked, not having heard a single word she had said.

“I was saying we should give you rides everyday. At least while Victoria’s around.”

“That’s not necessary,” I told her quickly. “I don’t want to bother you.”

Alice just rolled her eyes.

“Well, considering there’ll always be one of us near your home whenever you’re there, I’d say it’s no bother.”

“Alice…” I started, but she cut me off.

“Don’t even try. It’s a safety measure,” Alice said. “I bet even your Jacob Black would agree.”

“Honestly, I think he’d rather drive me to school himself,” I mumbled.

“Then why won’t he?”

“Treaty. His shifts with the pack. La Push ranks above me,” I explained.

“Then it  _ is _ necessary, Bella. We  _ all _ care about you very much.”

I didn’t miss the emphasis she gave on the “all”. Nervously I looked at the rearview mirror, and his golden eyes were staring at me.

“I don’t think she feels comfortable with this arrangement, Alice,” Edward said quietly, and correctly. “Perhaps if whichever of us happens to be on her house that night were to get a ride with her to school, where either me or you would already be…”

His eyes still watched me through the mirror and I bit my lip. That was so  _ him _ . He knew exactly what I needed and offered it to me.

It only made it harder to get over him.

“That would be better, thanks, Edward,” I replied in a low voice.

He smiled lightly. It wasn’t my favorite crooked smile; but it was enough.

It was the first time I saw him smiling since his return. The first time I wasn’t haunted by his impassive face that seemed to stalk me in nightmares in the forest.

“Not a problem, Bella. That’s what friends are for.”

I tried to be gracious but my grin certainly looked more like a grimace than any sort of happy expression. Edward frowned, and I was expecting his next action: to ask me what I was thinking.

But he didn’t.

“Exactly. Friends. Thanks.”

My mumble was incoherent, and I felt my face flush. He eyed me and I thought the corner of his lips shot upwards.

I’d take it.

The music on the Volvo was very low, just to make some noise – well, some noise besides Alice’s chattering.

“I’m thinking your grades must be very nice with all the studying you say you’re doing, and you said yourself Charlie’s keen on you going to college. Have you picked the colleges you’d like to apply to?” She asked. I shrugged.

“I’ve already applied for the ones I want.” 

When I told her which ones I had picked, she hummed.

“You should apply for others too. We’ll help you!”

I snorted.

“I’m not either smart or rich for the colleges you’re thinking, Alice.”

She turned on her seat to glare at me.

“You’re smart enough for any college you want to go, Bella,” Alice told me. “You wouldn’t believe how many stupid people we’ve met in Harvard. Tell her, Edward.”

I rolled my eyes at Alice, but I wasn’t really upset.

“She’s right, Bella,” Edward said. We stared at each other through the rearview mirror again. “You can get into any college you want. We’ve got some applications back home. We can bring them to you tomorrow.”

“I thought the really good ones had already closed their application period,” I mused. Alice shrugged.

“They’re not hard to convince.”

I frowned at her words, but then I understood how they could convince any of these colleges to accept my late application.

“Oh, no, you’re not wasting an obscene amount of money on me like that,” I told her with a chuckle.

“Like what?” Alice challenged.

“It wouldn’t be a waste,” Edward murmured. I opened my mouth but no sound came out. Was he… he couldn’t… 

“I…”

“It really wouldn’t be a waste,” Alice continued. “You deserve a chance at a great college, Bella.”

“I want to stay around. I don’t want to go to a place far away, anyway.”

Alice frowned.

“You wanna stay in Forks?”

“At least close,” I said with a shrug.

“Oh. I suppose you want to stay close to your father,” Alice mused out loud.

“Uh. Yeah. I do,” I hesitated a fraction of a second, but this was more than enough for them to notice. They would know I hesitated, but I really couldn’t elaborate. How could I sound sane if I told them I didn’t want to move too far from Forks because I wanted to have some shred of evidence that they actually existed after they left again?

They must have thought of an explanation of their own, because they said nothing until the car was parked and we were walking to the school building. Alice was very close to me, humming happily away while Edward kept quiet.

I spent the morning thinking about Edward’s soft “ _ it wouldn’t be a waste _ ” in the car. It made me think about all of the times he had wanted to spend money on me and I refused. I already had more than what I deserved when we were together. I needed nothing from him, except himself.

My class ran late and I was the last to sit on my usual table. There was a saved place for me between Angela and Jessica.

“Hey, sorry,” I said, sitting down quickly. Jessica nodded and looked at me, nodded again, then sighed.

“I really didn’t want to bring this up, Bella, but…” Jessica said, “are you dating Edward again?”

“What? No, I’m not,” I replied quickly, shaking my head. “Why would you think that?”

“Well, you were in his car this morning…” she said, raising an eyebrow. This was so Jessica I had to refrain from an eye roll. 

“I had to lend my truck last night and Alice offered me a ride. That’s all.”

“So you’re not with him again?”

“No, we’re just…” I shrugged, “friends.”

Jessica’s eyes widened and she shook her head vehemently.

“No, that’s– no, no, no, don’t do it.”

I exchanged a glance with Angela – she was as baffled as me with Jessica’s intensity.

“What? Why?”

“It never works, never. I mean, ok, you’re friends with him, and it’s just fine. You hang out with the same friends, and see each other a lot. Then out of nowhere, you’re, like,  _ making out _ , and at the time it might seem like it’s a good idea, but it’s a  _ really bad _ idea, because it means a lot for one of you and nothing for the other, like just bored or in a need of some kissing.”

She said it all in a quiet whisper and it wasn’t hard to see why: Mike was sitting on the other side of the table. Jessica breathed in heavily and continued:

“Or worse! Say one of you starts  _ dating _ other people! Like you and that Jacob!”

“I-” I started to protest, but Jessica kept talking.

“Of course I’m not saying he would date anyone here, but he’s got a brother and a sister in college, and you know what could happen? College girls.  _ That _ might get his attention. But whatever. Just imagine, like, it’s Alice’s birthday and you go because she’s your friend, but you’re not sure if you should take your new boyfriend, or when you get there you meet  _ his _ new girlfriend, either way it’s just  _ plain _ awkward. You’re like friends until one of you gets into a relationship.”

I tried to speak, but I couldn’t think of anything to say to all that. Instinctively, I looked at the table Alice and Edward were sitting. Alice was clearly holding back a laugh and Edward was glaring at her. She could easily have just teased him about something.

But I knew better, and I knew she was reacting to Jessica’s speech.

“Jess, thanks for your concern. Really, I appreciate it,” and I wasn’t lying. “But it’s not like that, I promise you. No risk of us getting ourselves in any of the situations you mentioned. Besides, Alice is a great friend, and it’d be hard for us if I hated her brother, right?”

He wouldn’t feel a sudden urge to kiss me. He knew better than anyone how women felt about him, and if he was in a need for some kissing, he could pick his share of girls. Or vampires. 

I mean, vampire women must feel attracted to him, right? Did he know female vampires? I knew the Cullens had a ‘distant family’ in Alaska but… 

“It might be bad if you hated each other, but better than being  _ friends _ . I mean, can you even be  _ just friends _ with him? The man is…”

She stole a glance at him and I felt myself doing the same. He was sitting talking in low murmurs to Alice; I could see his lips shaping up at a speed I knew was way too fast for humans to catch any of his words. He wasn’t frowning, but didn’t seem to be happy either. Just focused. Alice rolled her eyes and winked at me.

Edward turned; he had to know beforehand he was being watched. Jessica’s thoughts must have completed her cutoff words. He waved lightly and turned back.

“See?” I said with a shrug. “We’re just friends. It’s alright,” Jessica still made a face at me, but I had a lot of experience with her. “I do worry about all that speech and you and Mike, though,” I said in a low whisper. Her eyes widened.

I was right; she started telling about how it had been for her and Mike still being friends, how it had been hard, and only stopped talking when we took our separated seats in class.

It was a nice chat because the focus wasn’t me, and that’s what I wanted since the beginning anyway: to not talk about me and Edward being friends. His face (which I might have looked at more times than I should) during the lesson was normal. Not happy, not angry, but wasn’t that horrid indifferent expression I had nightmares about.

I was divided between asking a ride to Alice again or walking back home when I got into the parking lot – a bit more inclined to the latter –, but my choice was made when I hear the loud noise I would always recognise as my truck.

Jake was driving it, a frown on his face as he looked around. I was certain he was looking for Edward and Alice, and I know the moment he found them as his eyes turned into slits and he parked far from the Volvo.

I turned back and waved at Alice and Edward; they were glaring right back at Jacob. With a sigh, I made my way to the truck Jake now turned off and got out of. His hands were shaking slightly.

“Hey, Jake! Thanks for bringing it!”

He finally looked at me and grinned, pulling me into a tight hug. He let me go after a few seconds with a kiss on my cheek, and I backed from his reach at once.

“No problem, Bells. You couldn’t walk home, right? Charlie brought you up then?”

“Uh…” I hesitated and his grin faded. I didn’t even try to lie. I sucked at lying and he would see right through me. “Actually, Alice gave me a ride.”

He looked at the Volvo again, where Alice was entering the passenger seat with a cheeky smile. Edward already occupied the driver’s.

Jacob glared at me.

“No, don’t,” I warned him with a whisper. I could see a lot of eyes on the both of us. “Don’t even start. You  _ can’t _ be jealous or angry, alright?”

He sighed deeply.

“Do you want a ride back to La Push?” I offered. “It’s the least I could do.”

“Nah, my bike is on the back. I’ve got to run a bit with Sam, anyway,” he told me.

“You’ll be busy the whole weekend?” I asked. I hated empty weekends.

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it. You’ve got your old friends back,” he told me with a sardonic smile. I rolled my eyes.

“It’s not like that, but I know you’re way too stubborn to listen to reason.”

He shrugged and went to the back of my truck, getting his bike out.

“Shouldn’t you be wearing a helmet now?” I asked with a grin. He smiled right back, his usual, shiny smile.

“I’ll leave that to the more balance-challenged ones,” he said, ruffling my hair. Then he turned the bike on and left quickly.

With a sigh, I climbed on my truck and went home, thinking that just maybe I would prefer to be sitting on those familiar leather seats that exhaled a particular and comforting smell.

***

Most of the weekend passed slowly. Jacob didn’t show up once, and I wasn’t sure if appearing on La Push out of nowhere would be fine now. 

Charlie asked why I wasn’t with Jake. He probably thought I had plans with Alice and was benching Jacob, but I squashed the possibility mentioning he was out with some boys from the reservation.

“We can have other friends, Dad,” I told Charlie, only feeling a bit bad for it. It wasn’t a lie per se, but it was just a tad unfair. Jacob didn’t have a choice.

But then again, I didn’t feel like I had one either.

I loved Alice, and I  _ would _ be with her as much as she wanted. And Edward…

It was precisely as Jake had once compared: I felt almost as committed to the Cullens as he did to the pack. And of course, most of it was because of Edward.

Neither Alice nor Edward visited me either – not that I expected  _ him _ to – and maybe it had something to do with the fact Charlie spent the weekend home.

He said the weather wasn’t very good for fishing, but I knew he had caught more fish than I could count in worse storms than the one that hit us those two days.

But my Sunday wasn’t as terrible as Sundays had been. I finished my schoolwork Saturday, and Charlie insisted on going out for lunch on Sunday.

“We haven’t done it in a long time,” he justified after he told me to get dressed. “Get some rest from the kitchen, eh?”

I was extremely lucky for Charlie. He always tried to make what he thought was the best for me. If moving to Forks had given me something really  _ good _ – besides well, everything else – it was Charlie.

As promised, when I got into my truck, Alice climbed in after me, all grins and cheer. I felt myself smiling back at once; her glee was contagious. Suddenly she looked at where my stereo should be and gasped.

“What happened here?!” She cried out. I grimaced.

“Uh, I had to take it out somehow.”

“Somehow being the most aggressive way imaginable?” She was still a bit shocked.

“Somehow being ‘I had no idea how  _ not _ to do it differently’, actually.”

“I bet it doesn’t even work anymore.”

“I’m inclined to agree with you.”

Alice looked at me as I drove carefully to school.

“Why did you even take it off? It was a gift.”

I shrugged.

“Couldn’t keep it. I’m not really listening to a lot of music anyway…”

Alice eyed me and frowned, but when I shook my head lightly, she started to talk about her weekend shopping spree with Rosalie and Esme. I had yet to see them again since their return, and I missed Esme like crazy. 

Edward arrived shortly after, and joined us with a quiet “good morning”. I felt my breath catching in my throat and my heart racing, even before he turned to me.

“I searched and discovered a few colleges that are still open to new applications,” he told me with a small smile. “I brought you some so you can at least try. You never know.”

He handed me a file with some papers. I took it noticing how careful he was not to touch my fingers.

“Thank you, really. It’s not like I can afford any of these anyway,” I laughed as I saw the names. Harvard, Dartmouth, Yale… 

“You could always apply for scholarships,” he suggested as we walked to our classroom. “Some companies like to offer scholarships for publicity. Alice and I can help you find one of those, if necessary.”

I eyed him quickly. Back then, I knew this would be an excuse for him spending money on me. Now I knew he didn’t have a reason, as his innocent expression suggested.

“We can help you fill some of these applications too. We’ve already done ours, anyway,” he offered, then showed my favorite crooked smile, “many, many times.”

I gulped as I tried to ignore the internal battle of the hole and my speeding heart as happy memories of that smile invaded my mind. 

Apparently it showed in my face, because Edward frowned deeply. So I grinned weakly and nodded.

“I suppose you have. Thank you, for everything. I’ll have a look on these later today and I’ll let you guys know if I need any help.”

He nodded but still frowned as he opened the door for me to pass. Only then I noticed Alice wasn’t with us.

“That’s what friends are for,” he murmured as we parted to occupy our seats.

And he truly meant the friendship business. 

Being  _ friends _ with Edward was different. A bit weird, even. Alice managed to get me to sit on their lunch table one day (claiming loudly so Jessica could hear that she needed a girl input on a gift for Jasper, because Edward was being useless), and Edward’s close presence was a bit intoxicating.

We were paired up for a trig group project and I headed over for the Cullens’ house one afternoon after school so we could work on it. Esme was radiant when I arrived; she hugged me tenderly, asking how I was doing and how my father was.

Edward and I sat on the living room table, talking about math and other things too. He smiled a bit more, and I had to admit I did too. The rest of his family, it seemed, was giving us some space (Esme left quickly after providing some snacks for me). Well, except when Emmett appeared with a smirk and made a remark about friendship with benefits and such.

In all honesty, being friends with Edward was somewhat similar to that rush of blood on a limb previously numbed down: it hurt some after not feeling anything on it for so long, but it was a pain that made sure it was alive, and a pain that cried for things to return as they were before the numbness.

And yet, it was better than nothing.

I was getting used to this new reality of being near him but not with him, and by the end of two weeks it seemed almost normal. Every night one of the Cullens spent the night near my house; Alice always came up to my room until I fell asleep. I preferred not to know, when it wasn’t Alice, who was hiding in the woods, but I did open the window and whispered a quiet “sorry” into the darkness.

Every day I woke up and hurried to see if Charlie was fine, but I was only comforted when I got to school and Alice confirmed all of the Cullens were fine as well. When I got home from school, I called Jacob and made sure the pack was alright too, except when I headed for La Push.

It had been… difficult with Jake. Whenever we spent time together, I couldn’t mention any of the Cullens or he would either clam up and get angry or rant about the dangers of being friends with vampires. 

We rode our bikes sometimes, or hung out at his garage. He offered jumping from the cliff one day, as he had promised, but the appeal of it had disappeared when Edward returned. Although breaking my promise to him had some appeal (as he so clearly broke his promise over and over), it had stopped being my motivation for dangerous activities when I realised they triggered his voice.

And I no longer needed these illusions. 

Jake and I were watching a silly movie on his TV, me on the couch and him sprawled on the floor, snickering about dumb plots, when we heard a howl in the distance. Jacob got up at once.

“Damn, it’s Sam. I need to go…”

I nodded.

“Yeah, of course. I’ll, uh, I’ll just go home. I’ll call Alice or something. Just go.”

He looked a bit torn, but ultimately Sam’s order decided for him. 

I made my way back to Forks quicker than usual, and yet Alice was at my home already.

“I thought you were on the kannel,” she said brightly when I entered my room. I rolled my eyes.

“Sam called the pack. He had to go.”

“And leave you unprotected?”

“I was going to call you, Alice.”

She scoffed but pulled me to the bed.

“I’m not staying long,” Alice told me, “I’m going hunting with Edward. You’ll have another babysitter.”

“That’s ok, I don’t mind,” I replied truthfully. She eyed me speculatively.

“Good. What were you doing earlier? Risking your life in a motorbike?”

I rolled my eyes at her again.

“We were just watching a movie,” I told her. “And for your information, the bikes were  _ my _ idea. Jake just went along with it.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Your idea? Why would you ever want to ride a motorbike?”

“For the adrenaline, the feeling of the wind on the face…” the certainty of broken promises… 

“Last I heard you hated high speed and such,” Alice recalled, and well, she  _ was _ right. I could only shrug. “I could’ve sworn the bikes were something your boyfriend got you into.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“My what now?”

“Your boyfriend. The puppy.”

She looked at me innocently, eyes slightly widened. My only reaction was to laugh hysterically.

“Oh,  _ no _ . Not you too. Jacob’s not my boyfriend.”

“Really?” She asked skeptically. “That’s not what  _ he _ seems to think.” I opened my mouth to ask how she knew what he thought, then I remembered she had a way. And if she knew  _ that _ , then  _ he _ knew that too. 

“Well, I can assure you that’s not true. We’re not dating. Never have, actually,” I emphasized.

“So you didn’t kiss?” She challenged and I winced.

“Well, we did kiss, but… it’s not… it didn’t go any further than just a kiss. He… well, he really wants us to date but I don’t, so…”

She looked at me intently, like Edward did when he tried to read my mind. I looked down, at my intertwined hands, until she sighed.

“Ok, I need to get Jasper so he can come stay with you. We’ll chat later, ok?”

“Of course. But there’s nothing more on this subject, Alice. I promise you. I’m not dating Jacob. Or anyone for that matter.”

She nodded and hugged me, kissing my cheek carefully and promising to be back very quickly, an angelical smile on her lips. With a groan, I threw myself at my bed, covering my face with a pillow. 

“You’re not dating him?”

I gasped and moved the pillow quickly while I sat up instantly. I knew that voice. What was he doing here? What was he doing so close to my bed–so close to  _ me _ –, on his knees?

“Edward, what…?” I mumbled incoherently.

Instead of answering me, he just got closer, so close I could feel his coldness, I could sense his smell filling up my nostrils and intoxicating my every thought. I could feel my heart accelerating like old times, as if it knew its true owner was just inches away.

“You’re not dating him?” He asked again, the velvet breaking at the end.

“No, of course not,” I whispered back. He had a fleeting smile before coming even closer.

He raised his hands and, delicately, held my face. I stopped breathing altogether and closed my eyes. How long had it been since I felt his fingers caressing my cheeks? Since my heart hammered crazily with this body contact? Since coldness was, in reality, very warm? 

Since I felt like myself?

I was relishing in the feeling of being  _ whole _ again (of being me again) when I felt his cold, sweet breath on my face and I realised what he was about to do.

“Please, don’t,” I whispered weakly. But Edward listened to me, because he stopped. I felt my eyes opening slowly, still confused. “I can’t… I… when… I just  _ can’t _ .”

I knew he didn’t love me, and I knew just how much this knowledge would destroy me if he kissed me and left again.

Edward backed away and released my face, his expressing absolutely nothing; he looked calm and barely composed.

“I’m sorry, Bella. This was unforgivable behaviour. It won’t happen again. Jasper is outside. Have a good night.”

Then he disappeared, leaving me alone with my thoughts and confusion. 

Why had he tried to kiss me? He didn't love me. He wasn’t the sort to simply kiss people randomly. He had said so himself. Maybe he had changed since he left.

Jessica’s voice entered my mind repeating her warnings about befriending exes.

I shook my head and sighed. It didn’t matter why. It mattered it hadn’t happened.

It was no surprise that when I went to bed earlier than usual, right after dinner, my mind couldn’t stray away from Edward. His sudden appearance and proximity brought so many memories that I had tried to suppress for so long because they hurt too much.

But that night, our old moments returned in full force: our first kiss and the hesitancy, the feeling of that first night, how I felt in his arms during prom, our happy summer together… 

The memories lulled me to sleep, and I couldn’t pinpoint exactly when I fell asleep, as the memories turned into dreams. The old scenes and feelings filled my unconscious mind, from the big ones (him carrying me away from the old ballet studio, the first time he said he loved me) to the small things (how he hummed my lullaby when he spent the night, his special half smile, his smell)...

Until one day at our meadow morphed into the woods behind Charlie’s house, and he was leaving me again, his face changing from my favorite grin to blankness, the despair of that afternoon returning in full force, the hole burning and opening again.

Then I was alone, calling after him again, the forest swallowing my silent cries.

Before I could scream out loud, I woke up. I felt the tears wetting my face as I regained conscience, but my sorrow was controlled, barely surfacing.

Confused, I opened my eyes and realised why the hole wasn’t incapacitating me.

“Sorry for waking you up,” Jasper whispered quietly. I wiped my tears and nodded. “I felt you were about to…”

“No, it’s alright, Jasper. Thank you. I don’t like worrying Charlie.”

He hesitated before leaning against the window frame.

“How long have you been sleeping like this?” He asked me and I sighed.

“I’ve got nightmares sometimes,” I answered quietly. No need to tell him that it had been the first time it had happened since they had come back.

Jasper only nodded, keeping his distance from me. The opened window probably helped.

“I couldn’t help but notice the…  _ situation _ when I arrived. You were feeling a bit…”

I looked at my hands. I didn’t want to have this conversation because it could easily reach Edward later, even if Jasper didn’t do it on purpose. And I didn’t want to put any pressure on him because my feelings were unchanged.

Jasper must have felt my confusion, because he said a weak “ah” and I blushed. He went quiet for a few seconds.

“It’s an awkward position for me,” he said. I looked up; his golden eyes were slightly amused. “You not wanting him to know some things, and him asking all of us to withhold information from you.”

“What doesn’t he…” I started but didn’t finish. “Never mind. It’s none of my business.”

He let out a chuckle.

“I’ll leave it to you both to sort out your issues and talk it out. Alice would murder me if I interfered without her,” Jasper joked, then became serious again. “But I feel the need to make one thing clear: don’t ever think he doesn’t care about you, Bella. He does. We all do. Don’t feel guilt over us protecting you. You’re very dear to our family, and if Victoria’s after you, it's our fault.”

I shook my head. 

“We’re just sorry that we weren’t here to deal with Laurent.”

“It’s not your job to protect me,” I argued back.

“No, perhaps not,” Jasper conceded. “But it’s something we want to do. Again, we really care about you, Bella.”

“I… thank you, Jasper.”

He smiled at me.

“No problem. I’ll just be down there. Do you want some help to sleep a little more easier?”

I smiled and nodded.

As promised, the rest of the night passed smoothly. Jasper left in the morning and Emmett waved hello from afar. I would invite him in if Charlie hadn’t stayed home the whole weekend. He must still be worried about me relapsing.

I didn’t see either Alice or Edward until Monday. Alice hopped on my truck as soon as I got inside with a huge grin, something about a music concert.

“I understand you and Jasper are sharing some sort of secret?” She fired halfway to school. I barked a laugh; count on Alice to dramatize a conversation.

“It’s not from you, I promise. It’s other people who might listen if you’re not careful.”

“I’m always careful,” she huffed.

“I know. I’m sorry. I just…”

Alice sighed.

“It’s alright. I just wish…”

“What?”

“Sometimes I want to bang your heads together and make you  _ talk _ .”

“It’s not that simple,” I disagreed. 

“I know it isn’t, but it’s a start. I miss you coming over,” she added with a pout.

“You miss having a real life Barbie,” I joked. She shrugged and smiled guiltily.

“That too. But you bring… joy to our home. Besides, Esme’s gone to the supermarket again. The kitchen’s waiting for you.”

“Well, we’ll see.”

Alice beamed. I narrowed my eyes.

“Weird thing happened Friday. Edward kind of overheard our conversation. Funny. I thought you might know if he were close enough to listen to us…”

She didn’t even look guilty. She smiled and knocked her fists.

“Bang your heads together.”

I could only grimace; I was too worried about Edward. How was he going to act after that almost kiss? Would he greet me? Should I greet him? Were we keeping up with the whole “ _ friends _ ” plan? Had it changed anything for him? 

_ Why _ had he almost done that?

When I saw him, he was frowning a bit. He did that sometimes when he was trying to listen to someone’s thoughts. I held my breath when I saw him, apprehensive.

Then he looked up, smiled a bit and made his way towards us.

“Good morning, Bella,” he greeted politely. It lacked warmth on the velvet voice, but I would take it.

“Hey, good morning. Good, uh, hiking?” I asked, a flush filling my cheeks. His smile grew.

“Yeah, we found everything we needed. How was your weekend?”

“Stayed home,” I told him truthfully. “Charlie decided to stay in, and Sunday night Billy and Jacob showed up for a pizza and a baseball game, and that’s all I know about it.”

His grin turned to a frown, but he hid it quickly (almost quick enough).

We continued to the classroom in silence, but it wasn’t a comfortable one. I could sense both Alice and Edward hadn’t liked the Jacob part, but there was nothing I could do about it. He was my friend and I would keep seeing him.

Jessica’s warning about exes wasn’t useful again. After the episode on Friday, Edward returned to being the perfect acquaintance/friend. He was polite, we talked quite a bit, and he kept his distance. 

But sometimes I could feel him watching me, and when I turned to Edward, he would look away, or smile forcibly. I didn’t quite understand why, but I chose not to ask.

As the week passed on, it was more and more common to feel his stare on me. When I hesitantly asked Alice about, she gave me her angelic smile.

“Well,  _ I _ don’t read minds so I can’t really know,” she told me too innocently. “Tomorrow’s Friday. Why don’t you ask him after school? Over some dinner, perhaps?”

I rolled my eyes.

“I know you can’t see my afternoon, Alice. Jake’s coming over after school,” I clarified.

“Well, maybe Saturday, then? I’m sure Edward wouldn’t mind taking you to Port Angeles…”

I ignored Alice. She was suggesting I should ask Edward out to question him about his staring. She was out of her mind.

Even if it bugged me.

Why was he staring again?

It distracted me so much that I only stopped thinking about it when Jake arrived at my home. I greeted him with a hug and freshly made sandwiches, and he grinned widely.

“Remind me again why we don’t hang out here more often?” He joked and threw a sandwich at his mouth.

“Your garage’s not here,” I answered anyway. “Plus, Charlie is too nosy. He’d probably ask if you had to leave when you heard a howl.”

He chuckled and devoured another sandwich.

“Homework then a movie?” I suggested. “I need to finish this paper.”

“Sure.”

I sat on the table while he sprawled on the floor. I wasn’t sure he still went to school very regularly, but he had books with him.

We spent one hour focusing on homework until he groaned and gave up.

“Come on, you’ve got the whole weekend to do it.”

“Says who? What if I’ve got plans?” I challenged him, but closed my books nonetheless, moving to the couch near him.

“Have you?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, but I  _ could _ have,” I mumbled while I turned on the TV. He laughed and occupied the seat next to me.

“But you don’t, so why don’t I pick a movie while you make us some popcorn?” 

I rolled my eyes.

“You  _ just _ ate!”

“I’m on a growth spur,” he replied. “It’s a wolf thing.”

I mumbled to myself, but did as he asked. When I returned, he occupied half of the sofa, making me squeeze the popcorn in a tight space between us.

After a few minutes, he grabbed the popcorn and put on his lap, pulling me closer to him.

My hesitation made him sigh.

“Can we talk about it now?” He asked quietly. I looked up at him and bit my lower lip. Perhaps it was time.

I nodded and got up. He followed me to the back garden; I didn’t want to risk Charlie arriving and listening to anything I said.

“Ok. Can I just ask a question?” He pleaded. 

“Of course, Jake.”

“You care about me, right? You like me?”

“Of course I do. You’re my best friend.”

He frowned.

“Best friends don’t kiss, Bella.”

It was my turn to sigh.

“Oh, Jake… it’s so… complicated.”

“Explain it to me, then. Because I know you kissed me back.”

I took a deep breath.

Then I started.

“I’m broken,” I said. “More than you think you know.”

“I’ve seen you fall apart, Bella. You’re doing so much better. And I know I helped.”

“Of course you did, Jake. But it’s…” I sighed. “Ok. Remember when I took the bikes to you?”

“Sure.”

“You asked me why, and I didn’t answer completely truthfully.”

He raised his eyebrow.

“See, when Edward left, he promised me he wouldn’t be a part of my life anymore. As if he’d never existed.”

“Broke that one, didn’t he?” Jacob muttered.

“The minute he spoke it,” I agreed. “Impossible to keep a promise like this if my best, happiest days were with him.” He frowned at that, so I hurried. “I made him a promise in return, to not do anything stupid or reckless. For Charlie.”

He was frowning again, and I sighed for the millionth time.

“I took the bikes to you because I wanted to break the promise I had made him, because he had broken his already. It will  _ never _ be as if he’d never existed, no matter how far he is.”

Jacob wasn’t looking very happy, but I expected this. At least he wasn’t shaking yet.

“When I first rode the bike,” I continued before I lost my nerve, “I heard his voice.”

He looked at me confused.

“I know. I told you I’m a lost cause,” I tried to joke. “It was clearly a hallucination, but it was a good one. Everytime I did something dumb or dangerous, I did it because I wanted that voice. The hallucination didn’t make me feel like I had lost my heart, the way normal memories do,” instinctively I hugged myself. 

“So we only hung out… so you could hear  _ his _ voice?”

“No! Not at all. I  _ like _ spending time with you, Jake. You’re my best friend. But my reckless plans had this motivation underneath.”

We looked at each other for quite some time.

“The hiking…”

I winced.

“It was a meadow that was…  _ special _ to us. It’s actually the place you’ve saved me from Laurent.”

He went quiet again.

“The cliff?”

“Even without the jump, his voice was furious. It was… different.”

Jacob started to shake slightly, and looked down, closing his eyes in fury. 

“When we kissed,” I told him and swallowed. His eyes turned to me. “When we kissed, his voice told me to be happy. That was one of the reasons I hesitated. The other was that I knew even then it wasn’t fair to you.”

“ _ Fair _ ?”

I bit my lower lip again.

“Bella, this is crazy. This is insane. He left you. He doesn’t want you anymore. Try to be happy,” he grabbed my hands, “be happy with  _ me _ .”

I tried to smile, but the tears that started to fall probably ruined the effect.

“I can’t, Jake. You deserve someone better, someone who truly loves you. It’s not me.”

“He-”

“I know what he did,” I interrupted. Every time he spoke of Edward the hole pulsed, reminding me how true his words were. “And I know it’s  _ insane _ , but… I love him. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want me or that he left.”

“That’s not…  _ normal _ ,” Jacob bit back. I laughed humorlessly.

“Of course it’s not normal! That’s part of it, right? Did you expect a romance between a human and a vampire to be  _ normal _ ? It’s… it’s much more. It’s something else. I… he… it’s always been him, Jake,” I whispered, still holding both of his hands. “And it will always be him. I love him, and I’ll love him forever. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and dropped my hands.

“I… I need to go. This is too much. I…”

“Jake…” I mumbled through my tears. I hated making him suffer. I hated seeing him hurt.

“You’ll be safe. One of them is coming now. We’ll talk later.”

I cried as I watched him go. It was amazing my ability to hurt Jacob, who had helped me so much. My best friend. How I wished we were related so I could lay some sort of claim on him. 

I calmed my breath thinking I had done the right thing. It didn’t matter that I would suffer tonight in my dreams; that the hole was biting viciously, burning achingly, draining any sort of hope and happiness to some sort of abyss I would never see again.

When I opened my eyes again, I gasped.

“What– what are you doing here?” I asked.

“I’m sorry for appearing out of nowhere, I know you were mostly safe, but I don’t trust werewolves entirely, and I couldn’t handle the possibilities…” Edward justified. For the first time since he returned, his eyes were alive, glowing. Intense. Liquid gold, inviting and comforting. “So I waited responsibly distant, just enough so I could hear if something bad were to happen.”

_ So I could hear _ …

He could hear. He heard it all. 

He knew.

I gulped.

“Edward, I-”

“You love me?” He asked in a whisper, approaching me. I winced.

“You don’t need to do anything about it, I swear.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, stopping inches from me. His voice was different; it resembled our olden days. It was filled with emotion. My heart raced and I stuttered.

“Because you weren’t supposed to know. I didn’t want to force you to anything, or make you uncomfortable. It’s no big deal, I swear. I really understood what you said last September. You don’t have to do anything about it,” I repeated.

Edward gave me his half grin (my heart leaped in happiness) and held my face with his hands.

“What if I want to do something about it?” He asked quietly. “What if… what if I had told the most outrageous lie when I said I didn’t want you anymore? What if I told you I was extremely disappointed when you believed so quickly? Why did you believe so quickly?”

“Because…” I babbled, coherent thinking almost gone as his breath swirled around my face, “because it never made much sense for you to love me.”

He frowned, but then grinned again.

“Isabella. Bella. Your life is the only reason I still exist. You make me want to be better, to try and deserve you. There’s no point in me continuing to walk this Earth without you. When I was without you, I felt like a bird that couldn’t fly; I was there, going around, but with no sense of purpose. Like a bird that lost its voice; physically able to appreciate the beauty outside, but unable to feel its pleasure and sing it.”

My breathing had stopped altogether, and my racing heart appeared to be trying to compensate for it.

“I… I don’t get it,” I blabbed, “you said you didn’t want me anymore.”

“I had to lie,” he confessed quietly. “I had to leave you, Bella. I had to give you a chance to be human and happy. I knew you wouldn’t even try if I were around. And I knew you wouldn’t let me go unless I made you believe that most absurd lie I have ever told.”

I shook my head, confused. He what?

“You, Bella, are much more than I deserve, and I know that. I’m darkness, I’m not worthy of your radiancy, of your goodness and selflessness. You’re pure. Before knowing you, I was able to only exist and see things. But then I was blinded by your light, and it came close to  _ living _ . When I wasn’t with you, I could see nothing. I could do nothing. I was useless, reduced to less than what I was before.”

The tears started to fall again, and he wiped my eyes gently, cautiously. Lovingly.

“Therefore, I need to apologise. Apologise for not taking your feelings into consideration, for doing what  _ I _ reckoned to be the best, when it wasn’t. I will never forgive myself for putting you through this.”

“I forgive you,” I mumbled. He grinned again and my breath caught. 

“And secondly… what if I want to do something about it? What if knowing you love me still, and you knowing I love you more than anything, I wanted to cradle your face in my hands and pull you to a kiss? What would you say to that?”

“I’d say that this is the best dream I’ve had in months.”

He grinned and finally pulled my face to his.

His lips were harsh; nothing like the careful kisses we had shared before. One of his hands moved to the back of my neck while the other secured my body flushed against his. His mouth was hungry, intense, and I felt authorized to throw my arms behind his neck and open my lips and feel his breath and his cold tongue.

And  _ finally _ I felt like myself again. The hole wasn’t filled; it didn’t exist anymore. My heart galloped away in its excitement, my need to breath taken care of when he started to kiss my neck lightly, nipping at some points.

When we broke apart, we were both panting, but his eyes made it worth it. They were alive, burning and happy. His grin went along with it, and I knew my face was very similar. I raised myself and pecked him one more time, sighing.

“I’d say I was more than okay,” I replied and he laughed. Oh, God his laugh. We looked at each other for a few seconds, until he narrowed his eyes.

“Now, what’s this about reckless behaviour just to listen to my  _ voice _ ?”

I winced but smiled again.

“I’ll tell, if…”

“If?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“ _ If _ you promise me to stay with me.”

“I promise,” he vowed. “Well, it’s not like I’d be  _ able _ to leave.”

“Stay with me?” I pressed. He smiled, bent down and kissed me sweetly.

“Forever.”


End file.
